ReRage

Today, my boss bitched me out for a customer complaint. The complaint was me not laughing at the customer's joke of me asking for his ID and him saying no. I'm sorry, I've been getting this "joke" a least twice a day since I started working here two years ago. FML

Today, the mall I work at started playing Christmas songs on repeat. It's the beginning of November. FML

Cats > Humans

Today, it's difficult being a single woman in my city: The female/male ratio is 3:1, and the last 3 dates I've been on were with a guy who kept asking for nudes, an aggressive raging alcoholic, and what turned out to be a married man. I'm seriously considering adopting several more cats. FML

Today, I was hanging out with this really cute boy that I liked. We were starting to get personal, intimate, and really connecting. That is, until my roommate shouted that his girlfriend had just, "clogged our toilet and shit was overflowing onto the floor." FML

Today, after weeks of being addicted to Bejeweled Blitz, I couldn't stop thinking about it while having sex with my girlfriend. FML

Travelling light

Today, I went hiking in China. I knew I was unfit, I didn't know I was "being overtaken by an old lady leading a donkey" unfit. FML

Today, at work, I had to explain to a customer that she can't connect her tablet to her home WiFi while she's at work. I went to MIT for this. FML

Today, I accidentally sliced open my crush's hand at work while we were messing around on break. A month ago, I broke his brother's finger playing dodgeball. No wonder I'm still single; he must think I'm out to get his family. FML

Today, I discovered that alcohol makes me red-faced, extremely gassy and eager to discuss my virginity with everyone. FML

Awkward silence

Today, my husband and I finally had the house to ourselves, so we had unusually loud sex. Banging bed, yelling obscenities, super rowdy, etc. I then see my mother-in-law out the window. She had let herself in, dropped off a bag and apparently ran out. Thanksgiving is going to be weird. FML

Today, my dog ate my underwear. This is the twenty-seventh pair that he has eaten. FML

No bother

Today, I was reading on a park bench not far from a grassy spot and a pond. A flock of geese landed on the grassy patch and began to eat some grass. I thought that I may be bothering the geese, but decided if I left them alone, they'd leave me alone as well. I was wrong. Geese are assholes. FML

Today, I bought myself a new perfume. Now, there's a sulky husband lying next to me in bed who can't get it up because I smell like his mum. FML

Today, while on vacation, my brother asked a native of the area for help. Once he got it, he thanked them with "Muchos gracias" in the best Spanish accent he could do. We're in Japan. FML

Today, whilst taking a shower, I noticed my razor wasn't in its usual spot. Upon inspecting it closer, I noticed that there were tiny white hairs in it. When confronting my father about it, he claimed the "pink razors" are his. We've been sharing the same razor this entire time. FML

My turn

Today, my wife and I both got released from the hospital. She was admitted for the birth of our daughter. I was admitted with a broken arm from when my mother-in-law shoved me out of the way because she wanted to be the first one to hold the baby after my wife. FML

Today, I was told by the guy I've liked for years that he would date me if he was straight. FML

Today, I had four separate allergic reactions. The first from the pillow at the hotel I was staying at, the second and third from two separate ice cream parlors due to cross-contamination, and the fourth from peanut dust in the air on the plane ride home from my vacation. FML

Today, I found out the little blue thing that my roommate has been sterilizing by boiling in our shared coffee maker, is a menstrual cup. FML

It's all balls to me

Today, my family was watching a football game and kept mentioning their team's quarterback's name and, as I'm not a football fan by any means, asked them who this was. My grandma then turned to me and said, "This is why you don't have a boyfriend." FML

Today, I wrote a bad review for a pizza place after their pizza gave me food poisoning. Now, they won't stop calling me, begging me to take my review down in exchange for free pizza. I have tried to tell them that I wouldn't eat their pizza again even if I got paid to do so, but they won't listen. FML

Today, I went to see a movie with my parents. During a sex scene, my dad covered my eyes. I'm married and have 2 kids. FML

Today, is my first day as a student nurse. It was also the first day I learnt I was allergic to latex gloves. FML

Today, I applied online for a position and typed, "OH&S Certificate." It autocorrected to, "OH&SHIT Certificate." I didn't notice until the site e-mailed me a copy of my completed application. They'd already received it. FML

Today, I got a note from my son's kindergarten teacher. During free time yesterday, he told her, "Mommy was stripping". I was indeed stripping. Paint that is. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate when she pulled me in close and whispered in my ear, "We're getting Chips Ahoy after this." I came. FML

Today, it's been so long since my fiancé and I have had sex I now apparently have dreams about all-night unprotected screwing marathons with George Bush. FML

Today, I parked in a "Disabled" space. A woman and her kids comes yelling at me about how I don't look disabled and I was just being selfish. I roll my pants up to reveal two prosthetic legs. She then yells at me that I should have warned her before showing my legs since it could scare her kids. FML

Anger issues much?

Today, my coworker got angry at a mean customer. She came to the back where I work and started punching the wall repeatedly. When I tried to intervene and stop her from breaking her hand, she punched me in the stomach and uppercut me. FML

Today, I thought it would be a nice idea to take some flowers and candy to a friend whose cat had just passed away. As I was leaving, I ran over her other cat. FML