BubbaJ80

Emotional

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He went outside for a "breather" and never came back. FML

Today, after nearly 2 years of continuous fighting in Afghanistan, my unit came home. We were booed at the airport. FML

Today, my boyfriend questioned why I always put my shirts in the dryer right before wearing them. I told him it was because the dryer causes my shirts to regain their form and tightness. His response: "You should throw your vagina in there along with them." FML

Today, I got my wisdom teeth taken out. The two male doctors told me they'd give me anesthesia, but when they did, I could still hear them. I heard them talking about my breasts and how flat they were for a 17 year old. FML

Today, after having a fight with my boyfriend, we had what I thought to be the best make-up sex, because he seemed so happy and upbeat. Turns out he misunderstood. He was happy because he thought it was break-up sex. FML

Today, I dropped my iPod Touch underneath concrete slab steps, and it's physically impossible to get it back. If you stand above where the iPod is, you can still hear it play music. It's like it's mocking me. FML

Today, I found out less than three weeks before my wedding that my fiancé will lose his new, great paying job, unless we cancel our nonrefundable honeymoon. FML

You dodged a bullet

Today, my boyfriend told me it wasn't working out and he was breaking up with me. The reason? I have the same first and last name as a very unpopular girl, and he gets embarrassed when people mistakenly assume he's going out with her. FML

Today, I found a surveillance camera in my room. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he chose me out of all the hotter girls out there. He told me it's because I have great birthing hips. Apparently I'm having six children. FML

Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

Today, my gynecologist was having trouble with my exam due to me being "too tight." I'm 24. After the explanation of having been pretty inactive in over a year, she exclaimed, "Damn, girl, we really need to find you a boyfriend!" Yeah, tell me about it. FML

Cockblocked

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. Just as we were ready, his mom called to wish us a happy anniversary. She was so excited for us, she was going to stop by. After throwing out our unused and only spare condom, she called us again and said she was just kidding, and to enjoy ourselves. FML

Freakout

Today, while working as security for a football game, I told a woman she wasn't allowed to bring her Snickers bar into the stadium because no outside food was allowed in. She threw it at my face, then tried to spit on me. I hate people. FML

Today, a cop almost rear-ended my car, slammed on the gas with no warning, swerved around me, flipped me the bird, then cut me off and then drove a full ten miles under the speed limit. When I changed lanes to overtake him, he pulled me over for road rage. FML

Donut pass Go

Today, I came through a DUI checkpoint. The trooper noticed some donuts I had. He asked, "Are those donuts?" Jokingly, I replied, "Yes. Why? Are you going to confiscate them?" He didn't see the humor and pulled me off to the side to have a team search my truck. FML

Today, after having a long and serious talk about maybe having a relationship, the guy I really like told me to send him a "sexy picture." I sent him a picture of me in a bra and a thong. He replied, "Yeah, you're hot!" and signed off after ten minutes of silence. I haven't heard from him since. FML

Festive spirit

Today, my mother called to uninvite me from Christmas, my ex-wife is going and she doesn't want it to be awkward for her. FML

Let me Slytherin

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML

Pros and cons

Today, I'm in a relationship with a guy who yells at me everyday for things I didn't do, is in a dead-end job and is not attractive whatsoever, but I can't bring myself to break up with him because he would get to keep the dog. FML

Today, I woke up to the sound of sirens. My ex-girlfriend, who I had broken up with the day before, had set my car on fire. I had just finished restoring it. I was going to insure it today. FML

Today, the grades for one of my courses were released. The class average was higher than that which the department allowed, so the professor had to scale everyone's marks down to meet the policy. I ended up failing because my class was too smart. FML

Today, I am pregnant, and my boyfriend dumped me, saying that he didn't want to be stuck in anything too serious. FML

Today, while at a family gathering for New Years, my aunt said she needed a flat surface to write on. My dad immediately piped up, "Why don't you use Samantha's chest?" I'm Samantha. I'm also 18. FML

Today, I went to a New Year's party with my boyfriend. Later into the night, he got drunk, and left me there to go to another party with his friends. I have no car, and no way to get home. FML

Today, I put on a lacy dress with nothing underneath and walked nonchalantly into the living room. My husband took one look at me, let out a heavy sigh and said, "Right now?" FML

Today, I posted a status on Facebook saying I was depressed and needed someone to talk to. Someone commented on it saying "Just kill yourself". It got 20 likes. FML

Today, I called the college of my dreams to check the status of my application. Turns out they "never received" copies of my transcripts. They did however cash the $70 application fee that was mailed with them. FML

Today, I realised that my husband's vows were actually the love speech from 'When Harry Met Sally'. This was made even more humiliating when I discovered that he hadn't even come up with the idea himself, he had seen it in an episode of Scrubs. FML

Today, I was walking to bed in fancy panties and a tight black tank top. My husband exclaimed, "This is the best part about being a grown up!" He was talking about the ice cream he was eating in bed. FML