Bullshitticus

Today, while at my aunt's funeral, my grandma who has terrible memory loss asked me whose funeral we were at. I had to explain to her that her daughter had died. FML

Today, my friend and I went to a tacky-themed party. She was wearing orange faux snake stilettos. I commented, "Those are perfect for tonight, where'd you manage to find such hideous shoes?" It turns out she wears those shoes all the time, the color just matched her outfit. FML

Today, it was the début of the high school musical I was in. When two others and I sang the word "Hell", my mother yelled at us for using that language, while the musical was still going, and dragged me off stage. FML

Today, my new roommate woke me up at noon to bitch about my "selfish sleeping habits" and how they ruin her ability to invite anyone over. I work the graveyard shift at the hospital. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend that, due to my low self-confidence, all my bras are push-ups. He yelled, "EVERYTHING I KNEW IS A LIE" and stormed out. FML

It hurts when I pee

Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML

Today, I was on MSN when the conversation died. So I lied and told them I had to go get ready for a party, and that everyone was expecting me there. I spent the rest of the night playing The Sims. FML

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to announce to the class that I finally got a girlfriend. I received a standing ovation. FML

Today, my roommate forgot to pay the water bill on time, so they shut it off. Now we're without running water for 3 days and I'm taking my morning dump in Target next to a stranger. FML

Today, my family and I were going to start moving into our old house, and the large two hundred year old tree decided to move in too... through the roof. FML

MLM FML

Today, I went on a coffee date with a man I met online. His "friend" had tagged along. We were having a good conversation, until the friend pulls out his laptop and says, "So let me tell you a little bit about our travel business," and talked about a pyramid scheme for an hour. FML

Today, I had a job interview with a man that I got drunk with at a bar on Saturday night. He spent an hour telling me things I did that I don't even remember. FML

Today, I pulled a muscle at work doing a cartwheel. I was doing the cartwheel to prove to one of my students that adults can do cartwheels too. FML

Dodged a bullet

Today, I met an old friend, with whom I have a complicated history and we hooked up. He came before we even started. In his sleep, he pushed me out of the bed. When I woke up, he had peed himself in his sleep. Glad I let that ship sail. FML

The fun police has arrived

Today, it was a really slow day at work. One thing lead to another, and soon enough we were all taking turns shoving each other across the office on a swivel chair. Our boss came in during my turn, and I got singled out for a verbal warning. Everyone else got off with a disapproving glare. FML

Today, I made a new friend. He seemed pretty cool, until we came to the topic of religion and the ancient alien theory. I'm seemingly now friends with a guy who thinks alien Jesus raped an Earth woman, and we're the resulting cross-breed. FML

Dine and ditch

Today, I went out to a nice restaurant with my extended family. It was expensive, and when the bill came, I whispered to my brother, "We may need to make this one a Chew and Screw". When the waitress came back to the table, my five year-old son decided to ask aloud, "What's Chew and Screw?". FML

Quickie

Today, I was ecstatic to have received a friend request from my crush of grade 4 after 11 years. He's grown up to be such a hottie. I quickly accepted his request, he messaged me and we ended up chatting for hours. Later, when I messaged him, he called me clingy, and unfriended me from Facebook. FML

Today, my mom asked me to clean beneath my brother's bed for money. I found a rotten apple, a picture of my best friend, and a dead bird. I got $10. FML

No kinkshaming, but come on…

Today, after going on a blind date with a man I'd met on Facebook, we went back to his apartment. All was going good, until he took off his pants, only to reveal that he was wearing a diaper. FML

Today, at my new job, I took some food out to a customer. Walking away, I heard a lady mumble, "Oh my God, you could never pay me enough to wear that." FML

Today, I thought it would be funny to fart next to my brother in the car. Apparently, his carsickness is exacerbated by strong smells. I now know what it feels like to have lap full of vomit. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he would do if I were to get pregnant. Expecting him to give me a cute and supportive answer, he replied, "We'd be finding you a nice flight of stairs to accidentally fall down." FML

Master prankers

Today, I went outside a friend's house to find that my car had been saran-wrapped. I cleaned it up and went back inside the house. An hour later, I heard the doorbell ring so I went outside the house. They'd saran-wrapped my car again. FML

Today, I pulled my motorcycle into a wheelie when my crush drove by. She was the one who drove me to the hospital when I went over backward. FML

Today, I got my cats a new scratching post. They completely ignored it and tore apart the new felt on my pool table. FML

Caught

Today, I got a call from my husband asking me to bail him out from jail. He was arrested after being caught having sex with a waitress in a restaurant bathroom. FML

Today, I walked in on my 15-year-old daughter stripping on Skype for strangers. FML

Today, I broke it off with my mistress so that I could work on my marriage. Shortly after, my wife received an anonymous message, saying that I'd been unfaithful. FML

Today, at the funeral home where I work, I asked my boss if it was time to "bring out the stiff". I didn't realize the guy's family was not only in the building, but within earshot as well. FML