Deep in the Melk Mountains 79 ans
Today, my girlfriend of 5 years confessed to cheating on me during my recent business trip. Moreover, she doesn't want to cut off contact with the other guy, because she's afraid of hurting HIS feelings. FML
Today, so far, 3 of my employees have requested tomorrow off because of "emotional damage" due to Toys 'R' Us closing. FML
Today, a customer filed a formal complaint with corporate about me, because I wouldn't help her find things she wanted while I was off the clock. We were in a completely different store than the one where I actually work. FML
Today, my husband reorganized our fridge for the World Cup. He cleared everything out and filled it with beer and chips. FML
Today, I found my daughter's fanfiction account. I need a new pair of eyes, or brain bleach, or both. FML
Today, I'm 8 weeks pregnant and suffering from severe pregnancy brain. I was making my husband's lunch to take to work. I realised shortly after he left that I'd used dish soap instead of BBQ sauce for his sandwich. He has to turn his phone off for work, so I have no way to warn him. FML
Today, I was with my girlfriend and she was making me listen to one of her recordings for chorus. As I was listening to it, a solo came on, and i turned to her and said, "This is the worst fucking solo I've ever heard in my life." Little did I know, it was her solo. FML
Today, I woke up with horrible pain in my gut. It got worse and worse, and I started vomiting from the pain. My mom said it was the flu and that I needed to "man up." It turned out to be appendicitis, and I'm now typing this from my hospital bed. FML
Today, at work, I met a new client for the first time. Apparently he thought it would be a good idea to get drunk beforehand and spend the whole appointment telling me about his 9-inch "drill bit." I have to try and find this guy a job. FML
Today, my roommate let me know he "bumped" another car with mine. What he really meant was that I need a new rear quarter panel and the very angry BMW driver he hit has all of my information. FML
Today, I woke up and realized I'd experienced my first "nocturnal emission". I'm a 24 year-old guy who has been married for 3 months. Guess who isn't getting any. FML
Today, I got home to find our house broken into. Among other things, the thieves took our television, my laptop and several pieces of expensive jewelry. Also missing was my daughter's My Little Pony collection. I think we were robbed by a Brony. FML
Today, I woke up screaming. Why? Well, I was complaining to my dad yesterday about how I always hit the snooze button and just roll over when my alarm goes off, and how that results in me being late for morning classes. My dad thought he'd help out by placing a mousetrap on the snooze button. FML
Today, during class our teacher asked us, "Who is Uncle Sam?" A girl answered, "He's the guy who founded KFC, right?" I'm in an AP class and have to put up with these morons constantly. FML
Today, some wisenheimer hacked my Facebook account and posted that I just won the Powerball. I now currently have 284 "friend" requests and 142 tags as "family". FML
Today, when I woke up I saw that my bald head is covered with my wife's period blood. Again. She does it regularly once a month, despite asking her not to. She thinks this blood activates hair growth. She is serious. FML
Today, my teenage son taught my five-year-old daughter how to fake her own death. I walked into the kitchen today to find her lying still on the floor, covered in ketchup. She laughed when I began to scream. FML
Today, on the way out to buy groceries, my boyfriend asked if I'd like him to buy some of my favourite flowers. Happy with his rare show of affection, I said yes. When he returned, he gave me a bag of our usual brand of flour and laughed hysterically in my face. FML
Today, at work, my boss stared at me from behind while I made hand gestures and noises at a toaster. I was pretending to be Magneto. FML
Today, I had misplaced my cell phone. I decided the best course of action would be to dial the number from my house phone and wait for it to ring to locate it. Somebody answered when I called. It wasn't the wrong number and I had a brief conversation with the man that stole my phone. FML
Today, my 8 year old son asked me why he had to make his bed everyday if he would just use it again. I replied with, "You flush the toilet even though you're going to use it again, right?" He said, "Good point." Now he's not making his bed or flushing the toilet. FML
Today, my boyfriend of three years and I went to visit my 85 year-old grandmother at the hospital. While I went to the restroom, she apparently told him about a guy I was seeing on the side. I have no idea who she's talking about and my boyfriend refuses to talk to me. FML
Today, I realized that the random string of numbers I deleted in my phone notes a few months ago was actually the pin code to my new bank account. FML
Today, I was so desperate for any kind of male romantic attention that I googled "prison pen pals", and I'm considering writing to one. FML
Today, my psychopathic ex-girlfriend spray-painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van, knowing damn well I have to park it in front of an elementary school on a daily basis to pick up my daughter. FML
Today, my son surprised me on my birthday with tickets to a concert I really wanted to see. I was excited, especially since I planned to buy them but couldn't due to the fact it was too expensive. I was ecstatic, until I found out he'd stolen my credit card to buy them. FML
Today, I gave my son a bollocking for losing a very important paper that I needed for work. I've just found it in my right pocket. FML
Today, half-way through my trip to Florida, I received a call from my friend of six years. "I sort of had sex with your girlfriend while you were gone." He said it "just sort of happened." FML
Today, I was fired for job abandonment. Yesterday, my boss told me to go home early because we were so slow. After I reminded him, he laughed and said, "Oh yeah... You're still fired." FML
Today, my husband asked to borrow money. He couldn't pay his half of the rent or utilities this month, but he did manage to buy a $1,700 radio. FML
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