Bullshitticus

Today, I took my dog back to the vet because her face was completely swollen and her stomach was bright red and blotchy. It's obviously the medication she just started, but my vet doesn't believe dogs have allergic reactions. It's the only vet in the area. FML

Where did that come from?

Today, I was driving my drunk mother home when my phone rang. It was my boyfriend, so I asked her to answer the call. My mother then questioned him on our sex life and was especially interested to know if we'd used handcuffs because I "like them." I have no recollection of ever telling her this. FML

The old switcheroo

Today, I had a job interview. I didn't have any clothes suitable for the interview, so I went to the store early and bought some there. After the interview, I went to return the clothes, because they were so expensive. The hiring manager saw me. FML

Today, I went to Sunday school for the first time. The priest assured us we could ask him anything, so I did. When class ended the priest pulled me and my mom aside and asked her to stop bringing me to Sunday school until "she learns not to question the bible and accept what she is told." FML

Today, I backed my car into a parked car in a parking lot. Not only did I back into a parked car, but it was the ONLY parked car there. FML

Today, in the middle of a presentation, I fought a shart, but the shart won. FML

Bad start

Today, I found out the hard way that no good girlfriend-boyfriend conversation ever started with, "Suppose I slept with your best friend…" FML

Betrayed

Today, my now ex-girlfriend posted on Facebook that I called her a "fucking bitch". Our mutual friends were all outraged, and demanded that I treat her with respect. What she failed to mention was that I said it after finding out that she's been sleeping with my "best friend" for the past year. FML

You IDIOT

Today, I was approached by the head cheerleader, and she asked for my number. I was so excited that I gave it to her without question. Then she smiled, and walked away. Too bad my girlfriend was right behind me when it happened. FML

Today, my daughter had ice cream while I was napping. She didn't want me to know so she put the bowl in the trashcan and put the spoon in the garbage disposal and turned it on, because she thought it would make the spoon disappear. FML

Today, I found out that my best friend's dad used my internet connection to make threats online. I'm going to have to go to court for it. FML

Today, during a heated argument with my son, I lost my temper and called him a son of a bitch. He enthusiastically agreed. FML

Today, I had to finally come to terms with the fact that I am obese when the doctor told me that my weird smell was not an infection but mold growing between my fat rolls. FML

Get it!

Today, it was my first day closing alone at a pet store when a lady came in wanting to return a bird she bought months ago. Once I informed her there were no returns on livestock, she let the bird free and ran out the door, leaving me to catch it and explain to my manager where it came from. FML

Today, I was playing GTA4 and went on its fake dating site to email a girl to go on a date with. I've never had much luck with dating in real life, so I figured the game would be more kind to me. After a while I went back to check my email, and the fake girl I'd propositioned told me to get lost. FML

Poor Despereaux

Today, I baked a cake. After feeding it to my entire family, I opened the stove, planning to temporarily store the cake inside. I then noticed a mouse, burnt to a crisp. FML

Good boy

Today, I got a call from my five-year-old son's principal. My son had pooped in the schoolyard, then gave the teacher a Ziploc bag, and commanded her to pick it up. He said he was trying to imitate our dog. FML

Today, while I was at work, my wife discovered you cannot put out a grease fire with water. I came home to a frantic spouse, a fire department bill, and a newly destroyed kitchen. FML

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend in her room. That means: Jonas Brothers posters on the wall, Jonas Brothers pillows, sheets, comforter and stuffed dog. After we did it, she apologized to her posters for having to see that, since they're pure. FML

Today, my dog overturned and ate my trash, leaving coffee grounds and dog puke all over my floor. She also ate the broom. FML

Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

Today, despite being in high school, I'm still shorter than the average 3rd grader. FML

Today, after his second week of babysitting, my boyfriend has begun the disturbing habit of saying, "Ready or not, here I come!" every time he's about to orgasm. He doesn't see why this doesn't appeal to me. FML

Today, I got a new haircut. I was feeling pretty confident, until coworkers and family members kept making comments like, "I think you gained a little weight", "You look older" and "Do you still like guys?" Apparently, my new haircut changed my waist size and my sexual orientation. FML

Today, it was the first day of astronomy class and we all waited for the professor to enter the classroom. All of a sudden, someone turns the lights off, it's pitch black, and we hear the professor saying, "Greetings earthlings..." It's going to be a long semester. FML

A job well done.

Today, I asked my husband to deal with the very large spider in our kitchen. Rather than a newspaper or a slipper, he went after it with an aerosol can and a lighter. The spider is now dead, but so are the wall and cupboards in my kitchen. FML

Today, I graduated from college and my parents gave me an apple. Not the computer, the fruit. FML

Today, I had to skip class to attend a truancy court hearing. FML

Today, I put cucumber slices on my eyes to help me relax. I found this very calming till I woke up to ants trying to eat my eyes out. FML

Today, I visited my mother's new apartment, and found a picture of yours truly hanging above her toilet, and I asked why it was there. She shrugged and said, "Because the thought of you makes me want to take a shit?" FML