Mademoiselle Orange Park 30 ans En couple
Today, I woke up to find a huge zit directly between my two eyebrows. My friends have started calling me "The North Star." FML
Today, and for the past few days, there is a musical box stuck somewhere in my attic that randomly plays Christmas songs. FML
Today, my husband confessed that when he's angry with me, he uses my makeup sponge to apply his hemorrhoid cream. FML
Today, while begging my wife for sex for once, she told me she didn't have time. I said it wouldn't take long. She said, "I know." FML
Today, I bought a small tub of coconut pieces in a bid to eat healthier snacks at work. I noticed that the chunks were a bit slimy, but thought nothing of it and kept eating. It wasn't until I reached the final few pieces that I noticed a huge black slug crawling across the bottom of the tub. FML
Today, somebody poured a cup of coffee down the back of my shirt. When I turned around, I saw a man who said, "You looked like my ex from behind!" and ran off. FML
Today, I spent my last $50 to get a ticket to take my daughter out for a nice birthday dinner tonight. It wasn't until after I purchased it that I realized the restaurant isn't even open on Mondays. FML
Today, I got a friend request on Facebook. It's from the person who crashed into my car earlier in the month. It's funny that she doesn't return my calls or messages, but liked my status about the accident. FML
Today, I learned that while most people drunk text, I drunk clean. And by drunk clean I mean put my things away where I won't be able to find them, like my car keys. FML
Today, I found out why my history grade is so low: the kid in front of me takes my homework, writes his name on it, and passes it off as his own. FML
Today, my doctor told me I needed to eat more salt to keep my blood pressure from dropping dangerously low. He only shrugged when I pointed out that he had previously told me to eat a low-salt diet to control my vertigo. FML
Today, I was giving my friend a crash course in Star Wars over coffee. As I was telling him about the primitive and savage Sand People, some attention-seeking tit came out of nowhere and called me racist. Apparently she thought I was talking about people from the Middle East. FML
Today, I was listening to music on my phone and reading posts on here. I laughed hysterically at one, then noticed my parents shooting me outraged looks. Turned out I laughed while a news reporter was talking about a brutal rape that just happened in our city. FML
Today, my constant constipation has become a running joke in my family; I heard my mom tell my dad that if he wants to keep his Christmas presents safe, he should ask me to eat them. FML
Today, my father-in-law asked me if I have breast implants in front of the whole family for the third time this month. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML
Today, I had to do my assistant manager's job because she doesn't know what the hell she is doing. I'd interviewed for this position but didn't get it because I'm "still too new for this position." FML
Today, I waited patiently in the airport as my flight was repeatedly delayed. After 5 long hours I approached one of the attendees to discover that the plane had left 5 minutes ago. FML
Today, after dating my girlfriend for a while, I had a realization. She often says things like, "You're my favorite!" and scratches my beard, which I appreciated affectionately. Upon meeting her pets, it dawned on me that I am just another one of her cats. FML
Today, I texted the girl I'm going to homecoming with in a couple days to say hi. The conversation started OK, but then morphed into her saying that she doesn't feel anything between us, and wants to stop being friends after the dance. I have to buy her dinner and a ticket, out of my own wallet. FML
Today, being the clean freak that I am, I bought an expensive pair of 'mop socks'. As I walked upstairs to show everyone, I slipped on the corner of the bottom step and landed on my face, breaking my toe in the process. FML
Today, the guy I made out with on New Year's Eve finally called me. Too bad it was to blame me for the picture of us which someone had sent to his girlfriend. I never took a picture, and had no idea he was in a relationship. FML
Today, I told a customer the bread he wanted has been discontinued. He replied with, "Are you serious? What is your name? I'm going up front to complain about you." I still don't understand how that's specifically my fault. FML
Today, I went out with my mom to a restaurant. We were sitting down to eat, and a waitress walks over to our table and asks, "How are you ladies doing tonight?" It really was a nice thing to ask, for my mom. As for me, being a man, not so much. FML
Today, I overheard a coworker talking about going to what sounded like a dentist's appointment. As she left later, I jokingly said, "Remember to open wide!" Turned out her appointment was with her OB/GYN, not a dentist. FML
Today, I was taking a dump at work at a nursing home. While reaching for the toilet paper, I accidently pushed the emergency button. The nursing supervisors broke into the washroom to help. FML
Today, I went to take my permit test. I had been studying for months and was familiar with the whole book. When I sat down to take my test, I didn't recognize any of the questions. I went home and found out the book I used to study was the book my mom used to take her test in 1970. FML
Today, I found out that my husband has more topless pictures of his ex on his computer than he does of me. FML
Today, my new neighbor offered to "humanely capture and relocate" the squirrels in my attic. He then "humanely" shot at them with a BB gun, and the "relocated" them into his stomach once they were killed. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML
Today, I almost got expelled for bringing a weapon to school. The "weapon"? A yellow travel-size hairbrush. FML
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