kitkatjoy_96

Today, my boyfriend yawned while I was giving him head. FML

Today, I was at my local McDonald's having a leak when an extremely intoxicated man stumbled in, pulled down his pants, and started to pee on my shoes. FML

Today, I was taking medicine for my sinus problems and trying to write an essay. I got most of the way done, then unexpectedly fell asleep on my keyboard. When I woke up, my face was wet. I drowned my laptop in my drool. FML

Today, my boyfriend confessed his desire to have sex while I'm on my period. He calls it "bloody victory." FML

Today, I had to say a deep sincere speech on assembly in front of the whole college on the recent floods in Queensland. Instead of saying "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked down, we get back up" I stumbled and said "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked up..." FML

Today, I realized that my boss is able to read all the emails my coworker and I send each other. Most of them are about how she is such a shitty boss. FML

Priorities

Today, my parents fought over who gets the dog when they divorce. Nothing has been said about where my brother and I will live when they split. FML

You've got a friend

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

Today, after having worked two jobs for months to save up for a big vacation, I came home to find my hard-earned money replaced by my boyfriend's brand new motorcycle. FML

Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML

Today, I went on a run with the family dog. I returned home to three missed calls and a hysterical voicemail from my dad. Why? The dog was gone. Not me, his 15 year-old daughter, the dog. FML

Today, my mom let it slip that she was divorcing my dad. After making me promise to keep it from him and my little sisters, she had me help her with her plans to renovate the house. She intends to kick him out once it's done. FML

Today, while I was in the shower, my very drunken mother came home. She then barged into the shower with me, still completely clothed, and gave me the longest, most awkward hug of a lifetime. After she left me still in shock, she came back and did it again. FML

Today, I came out to my father. He seemed to be totally okay with it, as long as I'm the "man" in my relationships. FML

Today, I was watching a kid at school walk like a gangster. My teacher was standing there, so I stood behind the kid and walked like him, laughing to myself, at which point my teacher took me to one side and told me the kid was handicapped. FML

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he said "I love you, baby." I told him to go deeper, but instead of doing so, he decided to completely kill the mood by stopping and saying it again in a Barry White type voice. FML

Potterheads, man…

Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML

Home sweet home

Today, I bought a home at a bargain. It will need 5 grand in repairs to fix plumbing and electric, but it's mine. When I pulled up the listing to show pictures to my friends, there was a new listing that was in the same neighborhood, and a larger, nicer house that is move in ready. Same price. FML

Time to sparkle

Today, someone put a whole packet of glitter on the blades of my ceiling fan. Too bad I only noticed when I turned it on. FML

Introvert life

Today, at work I got in an elevator to go upstairs. It wasn't until the doors opened minutes later and people stepped in that I realized I had zoned out and forgot to press the button for the floor I needed. I then promptly exited the elevator and waited for the next elevator to go up in. FML

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML

Today, I answered a call at work from a very irate gentleman. After being shouted and sworn at profusely, I ended the call in a slightly less than civil manner. Turns out that guy is one of our company's biggest clients. FML

Today, from the balcony of my apartment, I watched helplessly as a teen came along and peed through my car's open window. FML

Today, I found out I'm going to be a grandfather. I'm 29, my son is 13 and the girl in question is 16. FML

Today, as I was walking downstairs to get breakfast, I saw my parents had decided to have a quickie on the couch. I had to awkwardly stand out of sight on the stairs, too scared to go down, or even back up, because our stairs creak. FML

Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while a babysitter took care of my 5-year-old daughter. After she came home, she told me the sitter let her use her "weird swing." I wasn't too worried, until she said it was indoors, and I realized she was describing a sex swing. FML

Today, my husband learned that if he asks me a question while I am dead asleep my answer will most likely be "Yes". Incidentally, I now have a new cat. FML

Today, I learned, 90 horrifying minutes into a college exam, that my 85-year-old calculus teacher had spent the last three weeks teaching us the wrong chapter. FML

Busker parkour

Today, I came across a street musician. He looked extremely well-fed already, but his music was pretty good, so I gave him some spare change. As soon as I turned away, he started screaming at me for being "cheap", and chased me half a block before running out of breath. FML

Today, I got suspended from work after getting caught reading a work-related FML. Irony is funny, but it doesn't pay the bills. FML