MadJessTic

Smart kid

Today, after church, my 5-year-old son asked me about God, so I answered his questions in full. We talked about God for over 2 hours. At the end of it all, he pondered for a moment, before saying to me, "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're dumb." FML

Today, my kids thought it would be funny to put pictures of naked men and women as people's ID on my phone. They won't tell me how to change it back. FML

Today, my mom was taking an online IQ test. To the question "On which continent is Canada located?" she responded "Antarctica." If intelligence is genetic, I'm screwed. FML

There you are

Today, at an aunt's wake, my five year-old son walked up to the coffin, and, with the whole family around him, exclaimed, "Well that's good, I was wondering where she's been." FML

Donut pass Go

Today, I came through a DUI checkpoint. The trooper noticed some donuts I had. He asked, "Are those donuts?" Jokingly, I replied, "Yes. Why? Are you going to confiscate them?" He didn't see the humor and pulled me off to the side to have a team search my truck. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he started shaking really hard. When I asked him what he was doing, he simply said, "I want to be better than your vibrator!" FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing around. He threw me over his shoulder and turned around, smacking my face against the wall. Then he smacked my head into the fridge after turning round to see "what that loud bang" was. FML

Today, I finally found the words to describe how I felt after two years of depression. I asked on Yahoo Answers what I should do next. The most 'helpful' answer told me to go on a picnic. FML

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s teacher asking me to come pick her up. My daughter wouldn’t tell her what was wrong. I left an important work meeting. When I got there she stated her boyfriend broke up with her and she couldn't emotionally make it through the rest of the day. She's 5. FML

Today, I got a call from my long distance girlfriend. She's about a month pregnant. I haven't seen her in person for six months, but she still insists it's mine. I don't know which would be worse: her lying or her being that stupid. FML

Mean girls

Today, I wore my cheerleading uniform to my boyfriend's house. He was a nerd in high school and mentioned a fantasy about hooking up with a cheerleader. I started acting sassy and a little mean, figuring he would enjoy a more realistic experience. Apparently not, because he started to cry. FML

Today, I watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, thinking "wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I'd been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. FML

Today, my parents woke me up by pouring a glass of freezing cold water over my head. Their reason? They were "bored". FML

Today, I walked through a spider's web with hundreds of baby spiders on it. My afro is now infested. FML

Today, my five year old daughter asked me what a divorce was. When I asked why she wanted to know, she replied with "Daddy wants one. He says you can have me." FML

Today, I Googled myself. I found my mugshot and a blog my mom had written about how much of a problem child I am. FML

Today, I finished reading a book about the treatment of mental patients and decided to use some of the strategies on my dad. We've never gotten along better. FML

Today, I surprised my four year-old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it "Horny". FML

Today, I got a call from a man yelling and cursing at me, calling me a "selfish no-life asshole" for getting his "baby girl" pregnant. I'm 29 and she is 27 and we have been married for 3 years. FML

Today, my girlfriend agreed to doing it doggy style. During it all, I pulled on her hair. I guess I pulled too hard, because when I let go, her face smacked straight into the bedside table. FML

Today, my husband asked me if I was really pregnant or if I was just smuggling cheeseburgers. I'm now referred to as "the hamburgler." I'm only 5 months pregnant. FML

For whom the bell tolls

Today, I noticed an old bell at the bar so I rang it. It turns out that when you ring the bell, you buy shots for the whole bar. FML

Today, I sat on the kitchen counter in my boxers for ten minutes running my feet under hot water. Why? Because my dad thought it would be funny to superglue my feet together. FML

My precious

Today, in preparation for proposing to my girlfriend, I borrowed one of her rings so I could discreetly get her ring size. Not only have I now lost the ring, which turns out to be a keepsake from her dead grandmother, I still don't know her ring size. FML

Today, my girlfriend hummed the Jeopardy theme while I was trying to undo her bra. FML

Today, I had to have a discussion with my 54-year-old mother about showering. She thinks it's perfectly OK to shower only once a week. FML

Today, I submitted my 208th job application in less than a year, and went to my 83rd and 84th interviews, only to be told once again that I'm over-qualified for the first, and under-qualified for the second. FML

Today, my grandma seemingly decided that it was a really nice day to put my cat in the dryer. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is afraid of female orgasms. Right as I was about to climax, he panicked, pulled out, and ran into the bathroom. FML

Today, I sarcastically pointed out a book to my mom, titled "Living Successfully With Screwed Up People." She already has it. FML