sept_ember

Today, my daughter was expelled from her school for beating another kindergartener with a Dr. Seuss book. FML

Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML

Risky move

Today, my fiancé, the love of my life, informed me that he proposed because he was sure I'd say no. He was hoping it would lead to our breakup. FML

Scammers gonna scam

Today, my aunt and I went shopping. When we got to the store, she said she forgot her wallet, and I told her I would buy some things for her. When we were at the checkout, I was a dollar short. She said, "Oh, I'll get it!" and pulled out her wallet. FML

Today, my marriage counselor got divorced. FML

Genius

Today, I was invited over to a dinner with the CEOs of my company, along with my two children. My 3 year-old asked loudly why we have two "nose holes", to which my 4 year-old son replied, "So you can pick your nose and still breathe!" He then demonstrated. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend can name each and every Pokémon, but can't remember my birthday. FML

Today, my little brother proudly informed me that he found a way to suck pool water up his asshole. FML

Today, I had a cop pull me over because he claimed that he saw me taking a bunch of colorful pills at the previous stop sign. I was eating skittles. FML

Today, during our wedding, my wife tried to dodge The Kiss. FML

Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held his hands against the bed, and whispered, "Have you been a bad boy?" Thinking he'd say something kinky back, he replied "Yes Santa" then burst out laughing. FML

Today, my five-year-old daughter told me she was going to throw up. I told her to rush to the bathroom. I followed her a few seconds later, only to find her sitting on the toilet and vomiting onto the floor. FML

Today, I came home to my fiancé and his mates playing Monopoly naked in our backyard. FML