Someone648

Hello?

Today, I lost my cat. It's deaf, so no matter what I do it can't hear me. FML

Hard at work

Today, I woke up screaming after a nightmare about clowns, which wouldn't be too bad if I hadn't been surrounded by coworkers. FML

Today, I wore a Stanford college T-shirt to school. My Spanish teacher took one look at it and said "You wish". FML

Today, my elderly father-in-law grabbed my breasts in the pool at a family gathering. I'd let it go as an accident if this wasn't the 4th time it happened today. FML

Today, my 12 year old son came home from school and informed me that he bought an air guitar for $20. He honestly thinks this is a good price. FML

Today, while tanning on a family cruise, I woke up to a crowd of people staring at me in disgust. Apparently, I'd fallen asleep, developed a boner, and started french-kissing the air. I had to sit through both the surveillance tapes and a grand bollocking from security in the aftermath. FML

Today, I realized my mom cares more about Kurt's bullying problem on Glee than she does for mine. FML

Today, I woke up to my Playstation 3 and my laptop missing and window open. My dad faked a robbery to see me freak out. FML

Today, my husband and I got married. The only thing that is different so far is that he now thinks that it's okay to shit with the door open. FML

Today, I tried to comfort my daughter who'd been crying non-stop for hours. She thinks Chuck Norris is coming to kill her, and I can't convince her otherwise. FML

Genius

Today, I was invited over to a dinner with the CEOs of my company, along with my two children. My 3 year-old asked loudly why we have two "nose holes", to which my 4 year-old son replied, "So you can pick your nose and still breathe!" He then demonstrated. FML

Today, I learned that my daughter's gerbils are not afraid of the vacuum cleaner. FML

Today, my husband went downstairs to play Call of Duty. When he came back after only 20 minutes I said, "Awww, did you miss me?" He said, "No, the controller died." FML

Today, I was expecting my period. To avoid the embarrassment of everyone in the office finding out, instead of putting tampons in my bag, I hid one in my bra. It fell out while I was coming back from lunch. I am now known to all as "The Tampon Dispenser". FML

Today, while I was waiting in line at McDonald's, I found out I can sneeze, pee, and poop all at the same time. FML

Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML

Today, I found out my boss and some employees on my floor have bets placed on who can get the best picture of my ass. I found out when one of the pictures was accidentally sent to me. FML

Today, my parents had a fight as to which one of them is the most cultured. As a result, they've begun writing my chore lists in a variety of languages. If I don't do them, I'm grounded. I only speak English. FML

Blocking time

Today, this weird girl started texting me. I really didn't want to talk to her, so I texted back, "This message could not be delivered because of a temporery network setup error. Error 2128-226110." She replied, "You spelt temporary wrong." FML

Today, my sister finally broke down and told me that our dad gambled away of all my college savings, and I would have to pay for school the best way I can. They have known for months, and when I asked why nobody told me, the reply was, "You're a college boy, we thought you would figure it out." FML

Today, I have an ear infection, and everything I hear echoes inside my head. I'm an orchestra teacher, and we have our first concert next week. FML

Today, I was chaperoning at my local high school's Homecoming dance. Outside the gym, I saw some kids drinking, so I walked over to stop them. One of them promptly spun around and punched me in the mouth. I had my ass handed to by a drunk 9th grader. FML

Good boy

Today, I was just about to sit down to watch my favorite TV show when my dog jumped over the back of my couch, landed on my head and tried to jump through the window. I now have concussion and a window to replace, all because of a bird. FML

Confused?

Today, while at my job as a hostess, I was seating a couple and their adorable little girl. I tried to ask how old she was, but what came out was, "Aww, what breed is she?" FML

Next step

Today, after my son graduated from nursing school which I, as a single parent, paid for with blood, sweat, and tears, during his grad party he was asked what his next step was. His response was, "Eh, I kinda realized I hate nursing." FML

Today, marks the fourth straight night that my girlfriend has screamed and cried in fear, scratching and kicking me in her sleep. The reason? I took her to see Paranormal Activity 3. FML

Today, I got a concussion while teaching a kid how to be a safe and cautious swimmer. FML

Today, while dancing at my studio, our instructor was giving us all characters opposite of ourselves to portray in an improv solo. My friends got cool things like "creepy" and "vulnerable". I got "extremely sexy". FML

Today, I finally found out where my great-grandmother's antique handheld mirror disappeared to. According to the headmaster, my eleven year-old son has been using it to look up his classmates' dresses at school. FML

Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML