Today, my future mother-in-law finally admitted that I'm "not the girl for her son" and that she will do anything to break us up. FML
Today, after a few months of my neighbor's friend parking outside his house and honking until he came outside, I happened to be out doing lawn work. I politely screamed, "STOP HONKING YOUR F***ING HORN!" To which they responded by moving in front of MY house and holding down their horn. I hate people. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of my roommate's alarm clock going off at 6:00 in the morning. His bedroom door was locked, and he was passed out in his bed from drinking too much. It rang continuously for five and a half hours before it finally ran out of batteries. FML
Today, I found out that I'm a dad. My ex from 8 years ago contacted me through facebook. I'm happy I have a kid, but apparently she only contacted me because she wants me to start paying child support, now her boyfriend who provided for them left. FML
Today, I had to play Paper, Rock or Scissors and beat my boyfriend in order to get him to take a shower. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I got in an argument so intense that she left saying that we needed to spend some time apart. The argument was over what was the best PIXAR movie. FML
Today, I was waiting to speak to a customer service salesman in a store. To pass time, I was playing with a rubber band. The rubber band shot off and hit the salesman smack in the face. FML
Today, my new wife and I got back from our honeymoon. Her parents had dropped our wedding gifts off at our apartment, but didn't lock the door. We came home to start off our new life together to a wrecked apartment and no gifts. FML
Today, my family and I attended a pool party. I never learned to swim, so I didn't bring a suit. When someone asked why I wasn't in the pool, my sister replied in a loud voice, "She's on her period and didn't want the pool to get dirty!" Thanks. FML
Today, I went to move my dog that had been napping in the middle of my bed for the last few hours, only to discover that he wasn't napping. He died. FML
Today, after being with my boyfriend for seven years, he finally proposed. To another woman. FML
Today, a little girl asked me how I could be so fat and still have small boobs. Great question. FML
Today, I got circumcised. After the surgery, my girlfriend got drunk and texted all of her friends about it. FML
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