Chingy892987

Today, I finally thought that my mother was okay with me being a lesbian. Then, over dinner, she turns to me and says, "So, do you still think you like girls, or are you going to start being normal again?" FML

Today, my family took me to a wig store saying I wouldn't feel so insecure about being bald because of my chemo treatments. When I told them I accepted myself and didn't want a wig, they came out and told me THEY couldn't accept it. My own family is embarrassed of me over something I can't control. FML

Today, my parents decided to visit me. When I first got my apartment I gave them a key "just in case" and today they used this key to enter when I didn't answer their knocking. I didn't answer because I was having sex with my boyfriend. My parents saw everything. They didn't know I was gay. FML

Today, I saw a video of myself filmed last night, hammered, climbing my wardrobe screaming, "I WANT TO GO TO NARNIA" while naked. FML

Assumptions

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills. She said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

Today, I walked into the kitchen and saw a note my roomate posted. As I got close to read it I was attacked by a very pissed off cat. The note said "Left window open last night, stray cat got in. Watch out he isn't friendly." FML

Today, I received a text message from my favorite sister, saying, "Great news! The technology in condoms has improved so much that they ensure that accidents like you won't ever happen again!" Today's my birthday. FML

Today, I went to the emergency room. Apparently, when your ex-girlfriend hits you in the nuts with a bat, it can do some damage. FML

Today, due to the heat, I had a deadly asthma attack. Where was my inhaler? My dad pawned it for beer money. What did my dad do about my attack? Told me to quit being a Drama Queen. I had to go across the street and beg for a ride to the ER from my neighbor. FML

Today, it was my 17th birthday. I didn't want my family to spend money on a cake, so my dad made this delicious apple ring. At least, it was great until my mouth began to itch and my throat closed. I have been allergic to nuts since birth, and my dad put walnuts in my birthday cake. FML

Today, my wife changed her facebook status from "married" to "widowed". I'm scared. FML

Today, after a large, dramatic fight with my girlfriend in a parking lot, we stopped arguing altogether and hugged, dropping the issue. Twenty seconds later, I accidentally slammed her hand in the car door, breaking two of her fingers. FML

Today, my doctor told me to buy some KY Jelly and a dildo to help "loosen me up" so sex isn't so painful. I haven't been able to have sex for 6 months because it hurts so badly, and now my doctor has basically told me to go fuck myself. FML

Disbelief

Today, I went on my first date in months. My mum had invited friends over, and when I told them I was going out on a date, my mum said "No you're not, don't lie. Who would go out with you?" FML

Today, my girlfriend, who's on a diet, refused to give me a blow job because my sperm would "add useless calories" to her day. FML

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone. The subject of abuse came up and I told her that if her father ever hurt her I would cut his dick off. The next thing I hear is, "Don't say shit you can't back up!" Her father had picked up the phone the moment I'd said it. FML

Unwarranted

Today, I was dumped. I ran home and cried and ranted on and on to my mother. After about 10 minutes of talking, she threw a book at my face and said, "No wonder he dumped you! You can't shut up!" FML

Today, I went on a date with a guy who seemed to be quite the gentleman. I was proven wrong when he told me to "shut it" during dinner, stiffed me on the bill, and then left me at the restaurant so he could get his own taxi home. FML

Today, we had to discuss our heritage at school. When I told the class that I'm German, Japanese, and of the Jewish faith, my teacher laughed at the "irony." Something like this always happens whenever I tell people my background. FML

Today, I found that the love of my life is 3.5 inches, fully erect. My cell phone is bigger than that. FML

Bad omen

Today, my fiancé informed me he didn't want a regular wedding cake, he wants a Batman cake. I have nothing against this, except that he already decided the wedding theme would be Star Wars. Essentially, I'm marrying a child. FML

The prequels were great, actually

Today, I was eating Star Wars gummy candies and I bit R2-D2 in half. My girlfriend looked at it and said "Oh look, now he's R1-D1". It was super cute, but I couldn't help thinking, "That's not how the numbering system works for droids." FML

Today, I went from a party where both of my girlfriends decided to show, to a hospital bed with no girlfriends and a painful left testicle. FML

Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML

Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML

Intervention

Today, my friends staged an intervention. I'm not on drugs, I'm not an alcoholic, and I own my own house. My car is paid for and my job pays well. Apparently, I need an intervention because my life is not where they want it to be, which involves me being married with children. FML

Mixing it up

Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML

Today, my girlfriend came to my house crying because the guy who she has been cheating on me with doesn't want to be with her anymore. FML

Today, I gave my boyfriend the silent treatment. He put his Facebook status as "When your girlfriend finally shuts up for once". FML

Today, after years of torment and relentless harassment, I finally built up the courage to stand up to a bully. I got a detention for swearing at him. FML