CristinaMarie

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl has a crush on me. Too bad it's my co-worker's five year old granddaughter. FML

Today, I was using the restroom when a little girl tried to open my stall. It was locked, so she slid under the door and tried to have a conversation with me while I was pooping. FML

Today, I was complimented on how big my penis was. I was complimented by the guy peeing next to me in the men's restroom at McDonald's. FML

Today, I took a dump without checking for toilet paper. I then called my step dad, who said "use the stuff in the garbage." FML

Today, while paying for groceries, I opened my wallet to find that all my cash had been exchanged for Monopoly money. FML

Today, I bought a new goldfish. While leaving my fish on my balcony to go get fish food, I hear a loud squawk and splash, I race outside to see a bird flying off with my fish. FML

The Anti-Karen

Today, while bitching some girl out for spilling coffee all over me, she looked at me with accepting eyes and after I'd finished said, "I can understand your anger, big girls like you get grumpy when they're hungry." FML

Today, I started my first day working at a toddler day care center. At one point I decided to play "got your nose" with one of the kids. It turns out this kid has a physical birth abnormality on his face. I got his nose... his prosthetic nose. FML

Today, I reached the point in my life where Target is the "expensive" store. FML

Today, my grandmother refused to wear clothes. FML

Today, I went to a football game. During a time out, my face appeared on the Jumbotron during the Kiss Cam segment. I was sitting next to my mother. FML

Losing streak

Today, my best friend and I were playing Call of Duty when he said he had to go to the bathroom. Curious, I checked his phone. A text message read, "Tell your friend you're going to the bathroom and come eat. Pizza is here" from his dad. Apparently, I'm not good enough to feed. FML

Today, my dog ran away. It was dark, so I couldn't see very well, but I ran after him anyway. Thinking I had caught up to him, I grabbed him. It wasn't my dog. It was a skunk. FML

A different kind of wind

Today, I caught my husband farting on my wind-chime in an attempt to make it ring. It did. FML

Demon child

Today, a five year-old that I am babysitting picked up a knife and said he would chop my nuts off if I didn't give him his ice cream before dinner. Only 5 more hours to go. FML

Imagine what it would be like

Today, I found out my 97-year-old Grandma has an imaginary 30-year-old boyfriend. I laughed until my mom said, "She's still doing better than you. You don't even have an imaginary boyfriend, let alone a real one." FML

Today, I missed my bus, so I walked home in the rain from school, only to realize my mom had been following me the whole time in the car, laughing her ass off. FML

Today, I heard on a TV show that it's possible to fit a standard light-bulb in your mouth, but it can't be removed afterwards. I just had to try this out. And then visit the local hospital to get it removed. FML

Today, I decided to get back into shape. I went for a jog around my neighborhood. The ice cream truck followed me for my whole jog, mocking me. FML

Right, Imma head out

Today, desperate after a very painful breakup, I poured my heart and soul out to my old teddy bear. When I finished, I asked what he would do in my situation. Right on cue, a gust of wind came through the window and sent him falling off the windowsill and crashing head-first onto the floor. FML

Today, my mom baked cupcakes for my visiting grandparents. Later, I saw my grandpa chowing down on them. Even later, my mom demanded to know why there were a dozen cupcake wrappers on my bed. I've essentially been framed by my own grandpa, and am now grounded for a month. FML

Tasty

Today, I was eating noodles. Midway through chewing, I sneezed. The noodles got stuck in my nose. FML

Today, I thought my hamster might be lonely, so I went to the pet shop and bought a new one to keep him company. The new hamster killed the old one. FML

Today, I apologized to the cat for walking into the laundry room while he was using the litter box. FML

Today, I was at my cousin's house. We weren't spending time together because he was always texting. After a couple of minutes, I got jealous. I played a ringtone on my cell, and "answered" it. I had a whole conversation with nobody in an attempt to seem somewhat more popular than a 10-year-old. FML

Today, I was brutally run over by a man in a wheelchair. FML

Today, my daughter spoke her first words. Her dad had been practicing with her for weeks in secret. She crawled to me and said, "I poop." FML

Today, I found out my wife and three daughters all have their period on seperate weeks. I now have no break from yelling. FML

Today, my girlfriend gave me a speech on me "not being manly enough". I started crying. FML

Today, I got pulled over for distracted driving. Not for cell phone use but for nose picking and inspecting. FML