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Today, a girl invited me over to her dorm room at 3 AM. For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to respond to e-mails just before. She said she was tired and then went to bed. I'm a fucking idiot. FML

Today, I was offered a promotion but for the same pay. Promotion... WTF? FML

Today, just another casual morning. I went to go drop a deuce in the bathroom. Barely being awake I didn't notice my roommates had put glad wrap between the seat and toilet, so i got piss and shit all over me. FML

Today, my boyfriend showed his mother photos of me. He told her that he thinks I'm pretty. She said that I look like a celebrity from her country (Korea). Flattered, I online searched this celebrity, and turns out she is a local porn star who's undergone multiple cosmetic surgeries. FML

We meet again

Today, my ex-boyfriend from two years ago called and asked to come over. Still being in love with him, I agreed to see him but decided I wasn't drunk enough to handle the stress. After a while of drinking, he said that he really missed me and wanted to be with me. My reply consisted of throwing up. FML

Set the scene

Today, I went to work things out with my girlfriend, with whom I'd had a huge fight with. She told me the night before to come over at noon and that she would be awake. I unlocked the door to see that the place was a mess. She'd thrown a party and was still passed out naked next to her boss. FML

Time is money

Today, my girlfriend said she didn't want to have sex because it takes too long. FML

You what?

Today, I'm studying abroad in Mexico and someone asked me what it's like to be from Minnesota. I responded in Spanish, in front of thirty people, what I thought translated to, "If you get cold, you can just put on a jacket." Apparently, what I thought meant "jacket" actually meant "masturbate". FML

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and as I pulled out to finish I slipped and ended up punching her in the stomach, I came while she was writhing in pain. FML

Today, I woke up at 5:15, snow blowed and salted the driveway for over an hour, left early and drove an hour on shitty roads just to get to work on time only to be laid off. FML

Bad idea

Today, I drank a good amount of vodka and cut my own hair. FML

Today, my roomate took the toilet paper out of my bathroom. I went into his room to look for it, only to find a large wad of it balled up near his laptop and mouse. FML

Today, my friend had to leave work early for a funeral. As he was on his way out, I wanted to say something. All I could think of was, "Have fun!" FML

Today, I found an ad for my job at my company on an online job board. FML

Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy the Plan B pill. The pharmacist recognized me and said, "Really? Again?" FML

Today, I have been reading FML for 12 hours. FML

Party zone!!

Today, I hung out with my crush for only the second time at his apartment. He was having a party. After a few sips of my green apple Smirnoff, I puked up the chinese food I had eaten earlier all over his new couch in front of him and a bunch of people I didn't know. FML

Today, I masturbated 3 times to the thought of my wife because we don't have sex anymore. FML

Today, I slept with this new guy for the first time. After sex, he said the doggie style position was fun, it made him wonder what it would be like to rape a girl. FML

Noise machine

Today, I had to use my friend's toilet. His pretty cute sister was in the kitchen adjoining the bathroom, so I smiled and said hi on my way through. I then had the loudest and most vile-sounding shit of my life. FML

My ears!

Today, I'm staying with my grandmother and overheard her having phone sex. FML

Today, I got an email from the local D and D meet up group that the next meeting will be on Feb. 14th. I don't know what is more sad: that the group is meeting on Valentine's Day, or that I have nothing better to do but go. FML

Today, I was having sex with a girl. After we finish, she tells me she already has a boyfriend, and that his penis is larger than mine. FML

Today, I bit into a cereal bar and thought the inside was oddly damp. I took a look at it and saw a maggot worm wriggling around. Its friend was in my mouth. FML

Today, I went to a fast food restaurant. The guy behind me was a pretty hot latin guy. When I went to pay, my purse fell off the counter. My birth control pills, a condom, 3 super plus tampons and an extra pair of underwear I keep in there for emergencies fell out at his feet. FML

Today, my boss caught me playing games on the computer for 4 hours. My boss told me to feel free and continue, but to pack my stuff up and leave when I was done. FML

Today, I had just opened up some porn on my laptop when my mom walked into my room, so I slammed the laptop shut. I didn't know the speakers continue to function after the laptop is closed. FML

Little perv

Today, I was teaching swim lessons. I got felt up by a 6 year-old boy. Three times. FML

Today, my inebriated boyfriend and I were having sex. He rolled off of me without finishing, and said, "I'm bored." FML

Today, I turned on my camera to find pictures of my dad's secretary giving him a blowjob. Minutes later, I hear a scream from another room as my 12-year-old sister discovers similar pictures on HER camera. Mom and dad say it's no big deal. FML