mooshypear

Today, I got very drunk after being fired from my job. In my depressed, intoxicated state, I posted my facebook status as 'Goodbye world'. The only response was from my dad saying 'cya'. His comment got 29 likes. FML

What a wonderful life

Today, I felt really depressed so I decided to go to McDonald's, get a sundae and cheer myself up. I got pulled over by the cops on the way, and was given a ticket for an expired registration. McDonald's was closed. FML

Today, I met my husband's other wife. FML

Today, I was sucking on a Tic Tac. Just as I was starting to get into it, the Tic Tac suddenly shot down my throat. After a minute of coughing and gagging, it came back up… out my left nostril. FML

Class dismissed

Today, our class was focusing on discrimination, and our teacher asked us if anyone had ever felt discriminated against. I put my hand up to share a story, and my teacher immediately said, "It's because you're ginger, isn't it?" That's not what I was going to say. FML

Highly unprofessional

Today, my marriage counselor told me I have the communication skills of a Lou Gehrig's patient. FML

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the neck while she was cooking on the stove. Apparently I scared her and now I have a nice burn mark on my head from the hot frying pan she hit me with. FML

Today, someone in my class wrote "Erase me if you can!" at the very top of the board, as I am always tormented about how short I am compared to everyone else. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't reach it. I'm the teacher. FML

Today, I tripped on a step that said "Watch your step." Two hours later, I hit my head on a sign that said "Mind your head." FML

Today, I arrived home to find my cat dead and note saying, "Sorry, I tripped over him." Not only is my cat dead, but I was robbed by a polite thief. FML

Today, my fiancé admitted to me that the only reason he's attracted to me and asked me to marry him is because I look and act like his favorite anime character. FML

Today, I went out to eat with my girlfriend. The waiter came up and was being nice. He said, "What can I get you two gentlemen?" FML

Today, I just found out that my ex girlfriend is gonna be my step mother. FML

Today, I accidentally left my sister's hamster's cage open and it escaped. My dad recently put mouse traps down. Guess where I found her. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend to try and man up and act a bit tougher. He started crying. FML

Today, my boyfriend of over a year looked at me and said, "Sometimes I just want to hit you." FML

Today, I admitted to my boyfriend of three years that I have been suffering from depression for a while now. He took it as a good time to dump me. FML

Awkward

Today, I went to use the public restroom. As I saw the toilet paper was out, I could see there was some hanging down from the other stall. As I went to grab it, I felt a hand grab mine and a voice ask seductively, "What were you reaching for?" FML

Today, I realized that 95% of my Facebook friends added me only because they think my sisters are hot. FML

Surprise

Today, I was drinking a bottle of water. My friend came up from behind and scared me, causing me to inhale and choke on the water. Lacking air, I passed out. I awoke to him on the ground laughing his ass off. I almost drowned drinking a bottle of water. FML

Inspired

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend. I started to come, screaming, "Ah... ah... ah... AHH!" To which he added, "Staying alive! Staying alive!" FML

Today, my cat pissed in my zen garden. FML

Spooky

Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML

Today, my cat died while walking around the kitchen. He had a heart attack when the toaster popped out two slices of bread. FML

Today, my boyfriend woke me up by playing with the string of my tampon. FML