Today, my four year old told my mother-in-law that our house is haunted because she hears a ghost at night saying "oh" and daddy's name as if they're hurt. FML
Today, my 8 year-old adopted daughter told me she wants me to take her back so another family can adopt her because I don't give her enough toys. FML
Today, we were in the car with my puppy, who favours my sister. She had been sat on her lap for a while, when she stood up and climbed onto my lap. I was really pleased until she peed on me and then went straight back to my sister. FML
Today, my daughter watched a potty training video on Sesame Street. In the middle of the video, she got up and ran to her potty to practice. She then announced, "All done!", and proudly closed the lid to her potty. She then immediately stood on top of it and peed. FML
Today, my 4 year-old daughter walked into my home office and said, "Fuck you!" Then she ran to my husband and said, "Did I say it right?" FML
Today, while setting up for a party I was having, I put black lights into our bathroom for the cool bright, neon color you get when you pee. When I turn them on to see where I need to continue cleaning, I see many, small, yellow hand prints on the walls. I have a nine year old brother. FML
Today, my daughter and husband surprised me at work. A whole bunch of my co-workers were standing around me when she ran up and hugged me. Her face is level with my crotch. She immediately jumped back from the hug and said, "Ewwww, smells like fish." FML
Today, my six year-old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she laughed and said, "Don't be silly mummy, ugly people don't have feelings." FML
Today, on the train, I was bitten by a homeless man. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. We are both virgins. After we kissed and I took down my pants, she screamed and said "That THING is going to break me." We never did it. FML
Today, I got slapped in the face by my girlfriend with a banana skin, because I finished up the chocolate cake. FML
Today, while having sex, I found out that I'm so flexible that when I bend over backwards, the backs of my knees can touch my shoulders. My boyfriend is now extremely jealous and is debating about breaking up with me. Even I don't get it. FML
Today, we had to discuss our heritage at school. When I told the class that I'm German, Japanese, and of the Jewish faith, my teacher laughed at the "irony." Something like this always happens whenever I tell people my background. FML
Today, the bus came to pick up my daughter to take her to kindergarten. When it honked, I opened the door for her to let her run out to it. Halfway there, she tripped and started crying. I couldn't run out because I was still in my underwear. Now her bus thinks I'm the worst mom ever. FML
Today, my parents thought it would be appropriate to tell my girlfriend that I used to stick my penis in a sock puppet and talk to it when I was younger. FML
Today, I woke my husband up at 2 a.m., screaming that there was a badger in our bedroom. We both screamed for a bit until he finally said, "What are we screaming about!?" I took a second look at the badger, and realized it was my four-year-old daughter with her blanket. FML
Today, I found out that my neighbors' 9 year old son has been the one taking a shit on my doorstep everyday. Why? Because Cartman from South Park said that if you keep doing it, the person in the house will move. FML
Today, I found out how it feels to have my groin catch fire due to a magic trick going wrong. FML
Today, I woke up to my two year old crawling in bed with me and saying, "I poop". Normally this would be ok, but this morning she decided she didn't need a diaper. FML
Today, my dog got his head stuck in a container, panicked, and shat himself all over the living room. FML
Today, I surprised my four year-old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it "Horny". FML
Today, two guys proclaiming that they were both Batman attacked me on the street. FML
Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time. He was so excited he started peeing on the floor. FML
Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML
Today, I heard that a boy in my class had written a song about me. Intrigued, I went to see him perform. I spent 3 excruciating minutes listening to a song about 'the girl of his dreams', his tear-filled eyes staring into mine the whole time. I have to sit next to this freak for the next 2 years. FML
Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5 a.m. because she thought someone was watching her from the park. It was a trash can. FML
Today, it was my birthday, and my kids gave me my car keys I had "lost" a week ago. FML
Today, this girl who has been stalking me for almost 7 months sent me a 12 page text comparing her love for me with her passion for cheese. FML
Today, I walked into my shed to find my daughter's boyfriend asleep and completely duct-taped to the ceiling, with his face painted like a clown. FML
Today, I spent thirty minutes in the shower trying to remove "Pierre", a face complete with moustache that my girlfriend drew in sharpie on the tip of my cock. FML
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