Today, right after sex, my girlfriend apologized to the neighbor for the screaming. He thanked her for the entertainment. FML
Today, I told my mom I loved her and she asked if I was going to kill myself. FML
Today, my dad woke me up at 6 told me to take a shower and drove me to school only to say "just kidding, happy snowday!" FML
Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML
Today, I was driving home from swim practice with my mom. I glanced over and saw my brother's hot friend, who I've been secretly in love with forever. He waved to me, and excitedly I waved back. I then heard my mom say, "You're gonna die when you see how bad you look right now." FML
Today, I found out that my new boss at my job is the same guy that I turned down repeatedly last night at the bar. FML
Today, I received a text from my girlfriend in which she broke up with me. I was upset, but one minute later another text from her said, "Sorry, wrong person." FML
Today, my husband asked me for permission to have an affair with his hot secretary. FML
Today, my boyfriend came in my room dressed as Harry Potter and declared that he was going to put his basilisk into my chamber of secrets. And yes, that was my first time. FML
Today, I was eating M&Ms on a chair when I dropped one and it fell under my crotch. My mom came in to see me with my hand on my crotch while angrily muttering, "Where's that little bastard gone?" FML
Today, when I proposed to my girlfriend of 8 years, she said no because she thought we were moving too fast. FML
Today, I found out who the father of my sister's 4 year old son is. My husband of 7 years. FML
Today, my 25 year-old brother ran into my room very excited at 8 am. "Wake up! We got a new puppy!" he told me. I was so excited, I jumped out of my warm bed. When I asked him if he was serious, he said, "No, but we have to go to church, so get dressed." FML
Today, after calling my boyfriend and telling him that my dog had just died, he hesitated and stuttered, "She was old, sick, and suffering. Babe, it was her time to go." He then informed me he had to go to his friend's house and hung up. My dog was two years-old, in great health, and was hit by a car. FML
Today, my maid washed my PS3. Yes, with soap and water. FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted to have Valentine's Day sex. He then remembered it was unlimited pancakes at IHOP. FML
Today, I learned my boyfriend has another girlfriend. His excuse is he's bipolar and each of his personalities needs a girlfriend. FML
Today, I was sitting in my room watching TV when I heard my mother obnoxiously yelling for the dog. Minutes later she stomped into my room, swatted me over the head, and yelled at me for not answering when she called. She actually got my name mixed up with the dog's. FML
Today, a little girl came up to me and asked, "Are you a boy or a girl?" I said, "I'm a girl of course!" She walked away, looking dazed and saying, "Whoa." FML
Today, I found out that while I see a therapist for my trust issues, my husband sleeps with our nanny. FML
Today, my mom duly informed me I'm the reason people have middle fingers. FML
Today, my college professor handed every student a note card and told us to rate his looks from 1 to 5. Is this what I pay $20,000 a year for? FML
Today, I took a picture of myself and put it on Facebook. After I did so, I realized that in the background, you can see my crush's Facebook page up on my laptop. He tagged himself. FML
Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML
Today, I went on a run with the family dog. I returned home to three missed calls and a hysterical voicemail from my dad. Why? The dog was gone. Not me, his 15 year-old daughter, the dog. FML
Today, I was arrested. The policeman threw me to the ground because I wouldn't answer his questions. This was after he told me I had the "right to remain silent". FML
Today, my boyfriend let me know that when we met, he wouldn't have even talked to me if I was as fat as I am now. But lucky for me, he stays with me because, "there's love or something." FML
Today, my five year old ran down the street wearing nothing but flip flops, Star Wars underwear, and a baseball helmet. He was swinging a badminton racket while screaming "THIS IS SPARTA!" My neighbors watched laughing as I had to run after him down the street in my pajamas. FML
Today, I tried to hint to my husband that we needed a new washing machine. I mentioned that we got our current one way back on our wedding day. He replied, "Yeah, and I got you too." FML
Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E," I replied. Without missing a beat, she says, "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She's 16. FML
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