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Today, I got unbelievably drunk and pissed in the corner of my room, all over a plug socket, which blew out the electrics. FML

Today, on her Facebook profile, my ex erased all the pictures where we were together, added her new boyfriend to her friends, and changed her status to, "I'm so happy". FML

Today, my mother told me: "If you didn't exist, I wouldn't stay with your father". So it's MY fault if she's having problems with him? FML

Today, I went shopping with this girl I like while my girlfriend was busy. We ended up going grocery shopping to make dinner together, and I ran into my girlfriend's parents. FML

Today, I have a degree in electrical engineering, my wife was doing a crossword and asked me what are the units of capacitance, I couldn't remember. FML

Today, I regret that break we took. I thought it would lead him to realize that he wanted to stop cheating and flirting with other girls, and be with only me forever. Now I'm the girl he cheats on his girlfriend with. FML

Today, I saw a friend in the street but he didn't see me, so as a joke I decided to ring him. He took his mobile out of his pocket, sighed and didn't pick up. FML

Today, I threw a rock in the air and watched it soar. And watched it come back down and hit me in the face. Gravity. FML

Today, my husband called me “my little zebra”. I gave birth a month ago, and I’ve kept a few stretch marks. FML

Today, I was having a cybersex chat with a "girl" on a website whilst at work. I noticed my colleague who sits next to me start cracking up with laughter. Turned out it was him I was chatting with and he was winding me up. Worst thing is it had given me a stiffy. FML

Today, I'm flying out of the country in a few hours. A plane from the same airline just crashed into the Hudson River and is now floating in it. FML

Today, I had lunch with a couple of my friends and a guy I like. Another guy I have a crush on came and ate with us too. After lunch, one of the guys I have a crush on told me the other guy I like is sexy. FML

Today, I found my car completely vandalized when I came home from work. A paper on the seat read "That's for what you did to Hannah you fuck". Hannah? FML

Today, I realized that instead of actually trying to get a job, save money, lose weight, and get thin so I could maybe attempt to date again; I'd rather spend my money on a Fleshlight. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was gay and that he is in love with my younger brother. FML

Today, I decided to jack it a few times because I haven't been laid in a while. After round 3 my ex called me up and said she wanted to 'talk.' When she came over she made it abundantly clear that she wanted to make whoopie. Couldn't get it up. FML

Deal breaker

Today, I had a date with a girl. After movies and dinner, we came back to my place. I had to go to the washroom BADLY. I took a BIG #2 and when I went to flush the toilet to my horror it wouldn't flush. FML

Today, I convinced myself I needed to get over my ex-girlfriend. I spent twenty minutes signing up for a new dating site, only to find out, that the only other profile on the site of a person within 200 km, is my ex-girlfriend. FML

Today, my girlfriend offered a blow job, but my hair got stuck in her braces so instead we tried to pull them all out. And no, I didn't get any. FML

Today, while on a date with the guy of my dreams, I cut my tongue so bad it bled for an hour. I managed to cut it on the plastic spoon from my coffee. FML

Compliment war

Today, I figured I'd throw my ex-boyfriend a compliment and told him how "gifted" he was below the belt. He thinks he's paying me a compliment when he tells me how much he loves that little roll of skin that pops up over the top of my pants when I sit down. I'm trying to lose weight, asshole. FML

My bad

Today, a toddler's ball rolled over to me in the park. I playfully pitched it to him as his parents watched from afar. The ball hit him in the face. FML

Fart are funny, period

Today, I was in one of those lucid half sleeps with my boyfriend. Not fully awake to control myself, I ripped ass. I had no idea what to do. I pretended to still be sleeping. I'm pretty sure he noticed because he patted me on the back in a congratulatory sort of way. FML

Today, I was on a date with this girl. I attempted to put my arm around her, but I elbowed her in the face instead. FML

Today, I was riding in a carpool when we passed a church that has a shady reputation. I said, "Man, all those people are being brainwashed, it's a cult". The lady sitting in the back seat behind me says, "I'm a member of that church…" OOPS. Silence. FML

Today, I went on a date with my really attractive neighbor, and at the end, when I leaned in to make out with her, she shook my hand. FML

Today, I found out the girl I've been trying to date for six months is gay. FML

Today, I received a text message from my older brother. It said, "Ah... I want you". I hope to god it was intended for someone else. FML

Today, I was refilling some guy's iced tea at bandana's, and the uppity jerk had the gall to ask me if I ever kissed a girl considering how fat I am, how high my voice is, and how little money I make. FML

Today, I sent my boyfriend some nude pics of me. Later I get a text from my dad asking me when I had gotten a tattoo. FML