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Thanks, I feel better

Today, my dad took me to play golf to relieve the stress of recovering from a bad concussion. While teaching me to swing, he hit me in the head. FML

Today, I found out that my husband keeps in contact with the woman he was infatuated with in high school. He texts her more than he texts me. FML

Disloyal!

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house for dinner with his family. His mom cooked up a steak dinner, except that I'm a vegan, but trying to be a good girlfriend, I forced it down. Upon his mother finding out I was a vegan, she called me "disloyal to my beliefs." FML

Unfair

Today, my boss fired me for being on Facebook at work. He did it via a wall post on Facebook saying, "ur fired." Six of my friends liked this. FML

Today, I found out that the candy bracelet my sister gave me a few days ago was actually a candy cock ring she'd used on her boyfriend just a few hours prior. Apparently, she didn't like the taste. I however, did. FML

Today, my fiancé nervously sat me down for a "serious chat". The chat wound up with him asking if we could postpone our wedding, because his World of Warcraft guild had a raid scheduled for the same day. FML

Today, I got my beautiful daughter ready to be a flower girl for the first time. A flower girl in the wedding of her father, my ex-husband, and the woman he cheated on me with. FML

Arrangements

Today, my girlfriend went on a date with her mechanic. She said it was to get discounts when she goes in for maintenance. Not only does she not see a problem with it, but she's probably getting discounts on other services too. FML

Today, I walked in on my brother performing voodoo on a doll with my picture taped to its face. FML

Forgetful

Today, I was happily playing with my young niece and nephew. Their grandmother was watching and said, "You are so good with children! Why don't you have any?" My husband died 3 months ago. FML

Today, the first snow of the season fell. My husband celebrated by pelting me with snowballs, while I was on the toilet. FML

Today, my 10-year-old brother got the bright idea to urinate in my oven to cool it off. My whole house smells like burnt piss. FML

Today, I went to buy some beer using my fake ID, when the cute cashier and I started flirting. When he asked me how old I was, I said without thinking, "Nineteen." FML

Today, my fiancée showed me her wedding plans. It will be themed on one of her video games, the best man will be dressed as an alien warlord, and the vows talk about how we'll beat the odds and be blessed by the "Goddess Kalahira". Apparently, I have no say in this. FML

Long held grudge

Today, I found out why the girl I like won't give me the time of day. Apparently, I called her ugly and pushed her into a puddle when we were in kindergarten. FML

Today, at work, I got to wait on one of those tables where everyone had very complex orders, and some of them sent their food back. When the time finally came for me to bring them their check and receive my well-earned tip, I returned only to discover that they'd dined and dashed. FML

Moody blues

Today, I noticed my husband was acting moody, and I asked him what was wrong. He replied that he didn't know, so trying to lighten the mood, I facetiously said, "It's 'cause you're stuck with me, isn't it?" He nodded, trundled off, and hasn't shown his face since. FML

Treat yourself!

Today, I decided to treat myself to a pedicure. The pedicurist began examining my feet, then called his coworkers over to demonstrate how to deal with "excessively crusty" feet. FML

Today, my boyfriend is seriously mad at me for telling his cat what he got it for Christmas. FML

Today, my boyfriend ended sex by yelling, "THIS IS SPARTA!" and using his foot to push me off the bed. FML

Today, I woke up on my boyfriend's bedroom floor. When I asked him why I was there, he said I'd gotten too hot, so he rolled me off his bed. I have the flu and a fever. FML

Today, I found out that my sleep-walking is so bad that I regularly text my friend while I sleep. I have no idea how many times this has happened. FML

Today, both my brother and sister missed my wedding. She was playing in a Call of Duty tournament, and he got so high that he forgot about the wedding completely. He was my best man. FML

Today, while I was having sex, he stopped, looked at me all seriously and said, "Permission to climax, ma'am?" FML

Today, I felt like going to the gym. I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to come with me. She screamed at me for supposedly implying that she's fat. No, I just wanted to go to the gym with someone. FML

Today, as part of a charity project called Operation Valentine, I worked with 150 other volunteers to make care packages and Valentine's Day cards to send to the troops in Afghanistan, thanking them for their courage. My boyfriend called the cards "cheating" and now refuses to see me. FML

First impressions

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. In the entrance way I felt a slight tugging on my jeans. Used to my Doberman tugging when he wants to play, I shoved hard with my foot. I successfully punted their Chihuahua off the ground and into the next room where it landed with a thud. FML

Today, after working the midnight shift at my job, I thought it would be nice to leave a sweet love note along with my boyfriend's favourite candy in his car. Upon finding it, he immediately broke up with me for "breaking into" his car. FML

Today, my teenage son taught my five-year-old daughter how to fake her own death. I walked into the kitchen today to find her lying still on the floor, covered in ketchup. She laughed when I began to scream. FML

Today, my boyfriend yet again decided to act like Edward Cullen from Twilight, and got his friend to act like Jacob. Every time they're around, my boyfriend always looks stoned and constipated, and his friend is shirtless. I feel like I'm in a shitty romance movie. FML