xs4u

Today, I found out that my old roommate used to clean her goldfish bowl with my toothbrush. We lived together for six months. FML

Dead zone

Today, my dog died. In the same kitchen corner that two of my other dogs have died. I have a "Corner Of Death" in my kitchen. FML

Today, I caught my new neighbor sticking his knob inside my car and pissing on my seats. His reason? I parked in his spot. FML

Today, I forgot my key inside my apartment. My boyfriend suggested we ask a neighbor to open it. I explained we don't all have the same key, to which he responded, "Well how come they all have the same doorknobs?" FML

Keep cool

Today, I received a phone call that started with, "Now stay calm… Your house is on fire." FML

Today, my superior gave me a box of ethernet cables which were previously attached to mainframes storing classified data. He requested I cut them in half so that the residual data would leak out. Not only does this guy make twice my salary, there was no convincing him otherwise. We cut them up. FML

Today, my 7-year-old son proudly announced that he had laid an egg during the night. I checked. He'd simply shat the bed. FML

Today, I walked past a girl giving out leaflets for a nightclub. She ignored me the first two times. I dismissed it cynically, thinking she was only giving them to good looking young people. The third time she gave one to a balding 40-year old guy with his pre-teen kid. She still ignored me. FML

Today, my mom got a cat. I'm allergic to cats, so I politely asked my mom why she got it. Her response: "I want you to finally want to move out." I turned eighteen two weeks ago. FML

Awkward family gatherings

Today, I was eating with my grandma and her sister, who don't get along. I went to the bathroom for just 2 minutes, only to come back to find pancakes everywhere and our plates smashed on the ground. They got into a "little argument". FML

First and last date

Today, I went on a date with a guy I really liked. The date was going great until he decided to try flossing his teeth with my hair. FML

Kitchen nightmare

Today, after placing it on top of the stove, my hot tray of freshly-baked cookies slipped. I caught it, though. With my bare hand. FML

Today, my mom asked me, once again, if my girlfriend of almost a year is just a cover up for being gay. FML

Today, while cleaning my ears with Q-tips, I came in my pants. FML

Today, my father bought a riding lawn mower. We don't have a lawn. FML

Tough guy

Today, my 12-year-old son was shot in the foot. After hours of not talking, including to the police, he finally told us that his friend accidentally shot him with his dad's gun, and that he didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to "lose any street cred by snitching." FML

Today, I found out that my dad writes really weird and scary slash fiction involving characters from all of the CSI TV show franchises. FML

Today, I won a year's supply of bath bombs in a competition. I live in a tiny flat by myself with only a shower. I also have to find somewhere to put the bath bombs. FML

Today, I found my elderly neighbour on all fours in my garden eating my flowers. FML

Not so smooth criminal

Today, I was visiting my cousin's farm. Going out for a morning stroll, I took an apple with me to munch along the way. As I was eating it, I heard a distant thumping sound and was suddenly slammed into the ground. When I looked up, a horse was eating my apple. I got mugged by a horse. FML

STOP!

Today, I accidentally ran a stop sign. It wouldn't have been so bad if the stop sign hadn't been in a traffic cop's hands. FML

Today, I received a lemon in a box in the mail. I didn't know from who it was, nor how he or she knows my address. There was a note on it: "When life gives you lemons, date me." FML

Jammed

Today, I went on a new medicine. One of the listed side-effects was "anal seepage" and I spent the better part of the day laughing with my coworkers about how it's "not a real side-effect". I found out that it really is while stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the way home. FML

Today, while in the restroom washing my hands, a girl decided to let one rip while in the stall. When she came out she gave me a dirty look of disgust and said, "At least wait until I leave." She and I were the only ones in the restroom. FML

Today, I discovered that when my crush leans in to kiss me, I get so nervous I throw up. Then throw up again thinking about how embarrassed I am. FML

Today, one of the kids in my neighborhood told me he would mow my lawn for 10 bucks. After a few minutes, I heard the mower stop. He had mowed a penis into my front yard then run away. FML

Today, my 17-year-old son came home with a black eye saying he ran into a pole at school. I asked the principal if we could see the tapes. He actually did run straight into a pole. And not just once, twice. FML

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a weird wart-removal ad came on. He watched in disgust as the lady's wart said rude things to her. Then he looked at me and said seriously, "I'm glad yours don't talk..." FML

Another one bites the dust

Today, I found out that yet another of my guy friends liked me. I then posted on social media that I just wanted a guy friend that had absolutely no romantic feelings for me. My crush volunteered. FML

I can't help it!

Today, my manager took me aside and angrily told me to quit fucking about with our customers. He totally refuses to believe that the slight whistling sound I keep making when I exhale is because I have a chipped tooth. FML