Taurus_ChicKa

Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I heard a notification on my iPhone. I thought nothing of it until we were done, and then I checked it out. My mom had posted on my Facebook, telling me that if I didn't keep it down, she was going to come up to my room. FML

Today, while spooning my spouse, I was awakened in the wee hours by a huge, junk-rattling fart. This has happened numerous times since she became a vegetarian. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The lights kept on going on and off. Why? The lights are activated by "clap on, clap off." It killed the mood. FML

WTF dude?

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML

Please, think of my family…

Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML

Hot boy summer

Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML

Today, I found an old jock strap in my tuba. FML

Grow up

Today, while working the drive-through at McDonald's, I was handing a gentleman his vanilla shake. He responded by popping the cap off, yelling "Fire in the hole!" and throwing it back in. He then quickly drove off. I was covered in vanilla shake. FML

Today, the first snow of the season fell. My husband celebrated by pelting me with snowballs, while I was on the toilet. FML

Likely story

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he farted. He blamed it on a "nearby frog." FML

Today, I got trapped in an elevator with a chicken. FML

Today, while working at my local supermarket, a customer threw a turkey at me because we "should have bigger ones." FML

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

It's a gas gas gas

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting a historical war bunker when I accidentally let rip a small fart. My boyfriend responded with a horribly loud, horrendous fart, and loudly announced, "This is war." There were people, lots of people. FML

Today, a private number called me telling me to "Beware the water bottles" as soon as a water bottle flew through my open window, hitting me. FML

Today, Santa ran over my foot with a Segway. FML

Crotch shot

Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don't own a horse. FML

Just a prank, bro!

Today, my friends switched my mom and my girlfriend's numbers in my phone. I sexted my mom. FML

Road rage gone feral

Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified, me or him. FML

Today, when I told my family I was a vegetarian, I expected them to make fun of me because that's just my family. But what I wasn't expecting was my dad to use raw meat as a puppet and make it say, "Eat me! Eat me!" then throw it at my face. FML

Today, I woke up to a punch in the balls. FML

Today, I sneezed my jaw out of socket. Yes, this is possible. FML

Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML

Today, I found out that the landscaper my wife hired on my behalf wasn't kidding when he said he was going to trim my wife's bush. FML

Today, I was out clubbing, when I saw a pair of very cute girls sitting at the bar, so I went over, hoping to introduce myself. I swung my leg over the stool, and through no fault of my own, sat on my own balls. I quickly got thrown out for "harassing the ladies." FML

Today, my girlfriend got into the Christmas cheer while giving me a hand job, smashing my nuts with her palm in time to her humming of Jingle Bells. FML

Today, I went to see a musical that some school friends had put on. At some point in the show, the main character kicked her leg up in the air, and her high heel flew off of her foot and into the audience. The shoe hit me square in the face. FML

Today, I sat on my own testicles while having a serious and tenderly sweet discussion with my fiancée about our future together. We were both crying, but for very different reasons. FML

Inspirational

Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making me orgasm with a full bladder, therefore intensifying the experience. He was right, it was mind blowing. It also made me piss the bed for the first time in twenty-odd years. FML