Taurus_ChicKa

Today, my stomach growled so loud in class that a boy sitting next to me thought his phone had vibrated. FML

Today, I dropped my phone between my legs and tried to catch it with my thighs. Instead, the phone fell through just as I crushed my own balls with my legs. FML

Today, I drove in heavy rain for the first time, by myself. I had been told to drive below the speed limit, and be extra careful of the cars around me. Nobody had told me about thunder scaring a cow that would then escape from the corral and hit my car. FML

Today, I put more effort into getting and keeping my Sims onto a good sleep schedule in order to properly take care of their needs than I did for myself. FML

I'm awake

Today, my roommate thought it was a good idea to set my beard on fire to wake me up. FML

Today, I got mugged by a fake hooker. FML

Today, my dad congratulated me on having my first girl come over late at night and asked me to be quieter because he could hear us. I'm still single and it was probably me grunting and getting mad losing Plants vs Zombies. FML

Today, after a long day, I energetically took off my belt to take my pants off and relax. In doing so, I whipped the belt around in the air, causing it to spin around and slap me right in my tender ballsack. I almost threw up. FML

Today, that awesome new dubstep song that I was rocking out to in my car was actually my transmission falling apart. FML

Today, I farted so loud that my cat thought that I was growling at him, and bit me in self-defense. FML

And I oop

Today, my boyfriend's dick got stuck in the wrong hole. And by wrong hole I mean the pool filter. FML

Bovine

Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML