kalixzo

Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML

Today, I was so bored that I spent two hours researching the history of spoons. FML

Today, I decided to hit on a very attractive girl. I guess I was too drunk to remember it was my family reunion. FML

Today, I told my daughter that she should put some love into her cooking. She started kissing the ingredients. FML

Proof

Today, I accused my son of faking being sick. He then blew chunks all over me. FML

Today, I found a bug under my foreskin. FML

Today, I quit smoking. My son came home with an ashtray he made in arts and crafts class. FML

Today, while driving home from school, I noticed one of our hot quarterbacks in the car behind me. Trying to impress him, I pulled into the driveway of an expensive-looking house. To my horror, he pulled in behind me and asked what I was doing at his house. FML

Today, I was at the mall with my mom. She was pissing me off, so I started screaming at her and causing a scene. I ended up falling all the way down the up escalator. Everyone saw and people clapped. FML

Today, I found out I was born as a result of someone switching my mom's birth control pills with Tic Tacs. FML

Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light headed and passed out on the floor. FML

Today, I saw my brother on TV after 3 years of no contact. He was being arrested on Cops. FML