kalixzo

Today, I texted my boyfriend, and he pretended he was a Burger King employee who found a lost phone, just so that he wouldn't have to talk to me. FML

Today, I approached the girl I like, hoping to ask her out. Just as I strode up to her, she excused herself as quickly as she could. I then realized I'd forgotten to zip up my pants after going to the bathroom minutes before. FML

Today, I had to bury my horse again because coyotes keep digging it up. FML

Today, I was cooking and I burned my thumb. I had some first-aid burn spray, so I sprayed it on. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and when I flicked my lighter, my thumb went up in flames. Turns out that first-aid burn spray is flammable. FML

What?

Today, I went with my friends to see a movie. I handed my student card over to the cashier as proof I was old enough to see it, and he started laughing hysterically at my picture. Then he called over a colleague, who also started laughing. FML

Today, my history teacher confiscated my iPhone. She dropped it on the way back to her desk, and I now have a shattered iPhone screen to fix. FML

Today, I was debating if I actually do talk to myself. I was having this conversation with myself. FML

Play it cool

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she'll be having her period, since she was acting pretty bitchy the last time around. She duct taped my leg hair and ripped it off while I was napping. FML

Sprinkler

Today, I was locked out of my house and had to pee. I waited an hour for my boyfriend to come home. When I saw him pull into the driveway, I peed myself in excitement. FML

Pissed

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for the first time. I cracked a joke that offended her, so she gave me the silent treatment. I had to pee, and since she wouldn't tell me where the bathroom was, I went to look for it. I walked in on her parents making love. FML

Today, I was the 10th caller on a radio show. I answered the question correctly. The DJ informed I won a free air guitar of my choosing. I yelled with excitement over the air. The DJ then instructed me how to use my new air guitar. FML

Today, I was re-watching my wedding video. As I was walking down the aisle, you could hear my grandfather mutter "Here comes the bride, all fat and wide." FML

Today, in the locker room at work, someone tried writing "douche bag" on my locker, and misspelled it four times before apparently giving up. FML

Today, while DJing at a jumpin' wedding reception, my speaker system conked out. I hadn't brought any backup equipment, and 500 guests had the unfortunate luxury of dancing to the sounds of a portable CD player someone brought in from their car. FML

Today, I watched Gigli. FML

Today, I was shopping for tampons when a cute guy came over and gave me his number. He said, "Call me in 3 to 5 days." FML

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up on my dad while he was rummaging through his briefcase. He must have heard me, because the moment I got up close, he whirled around and yelled "BOO!" causing me to scream like a little bitch. FML

Today, I hugged my dog and kissed her on the side of the face. She responded by mauling me across my own face. FML

AAARGH

Today, I woke up sweating and gasping for air after having a terrible nightmare. The nightmare involved my deceased mother-in-law bitching me out for being a bad influence on her daughter and threatening to cut my nuts off. Even in death, she won't leave me be. FML

So… good news, or…?

Today, my girlfriend called and said she had great news. Turns out I've cured her of that illness she gets every month. FML

Today, I got my braces put on. This is the second time I've had them. The first time was after my cousin opened a car door in my face. This time a jock punched me in the mouth for saying that Reese's taste the same as Snickers peanut butter. FML

Today, I was watching a kid at school walk like a gangster. My teacher was standing there, so I stood behind the kid and walked like him, laughing to myself, at which point my teacher took me to one side and told me the kid was handicapped. FML

You have been warned

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML

 Today, I decided to finally try out the veggie slicer I bought a few months ago to make healthy homemade potato chips. Along with the sliced potatoes, I am now missing about a quarter inch chunk of skin from the side of my hand and quite a bit of blood. At least the chips were good. FML

Pizzzaaaaaaa

Today, I called Pizza Hut to order a pizza. A voice recording was reading me their specials. The man had a horrible country accent so I began to make fun of it. Then I realized it was an actual person on the line. FML

Today, I was calling my husband while driving. While the phone rang, I farted. As soon as the horrid smell hit my nose, my husband answered. I panicked and hung up quickly, thinking to myself how embarrassed I was because he could smell it. I'm an idiot. FML

Today, I managed to staple my finger while showing my kindergartner class how to properly use one. FML

Today, I went to Hooters for lunch. My food was brought to me by a man. FML