Mademoiselle
Today, my sister told me not to come over anymore because her baby is scared of my face. FML
Today, my dog got his head stuck in a container, panicked, and shat himself all over the living room. FML
Today, while we were making love, he farted, then blamed it on his dog, who wasn't even in the room. The smell alone could have killed me. FML
Today, I woke up to the news that my mom's in jail. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to make me wear a fake mustache during sex. He said it "turns him on." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were walking around when she got lost in a crowd. And me, being a pig, playfully grabbed her butt. I realized it wasn't hers when the guy whose butt I'd grabbed by accident knocked me unconscious. FML
Today, my mom gave me the "birds and the bees" talk, while she was taking a dump. FML
Today, a group of Girl Scouts came to my door selling chocolate bars. I bought two bars and smiled as they left, thinking I'd done a good deed. When the door closed, I heard one of the girls say, "Told you, the fat bitches always wanna buy from us." FML
Today, I was riding on the bus, when I felt a weird sensation on my hair. The person behind me was petting it. FML
Today, my neighbor finally cut the grass on his front lawn. At 2 in the morning. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina looks like an old man in a hat. It's OK though, he said it was a nice hat. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML
Today, I found out my grandmother has severe road rage after she complained about Pennsylvania drivers for over an hour, then decided to rear end one because he wouldn't get out of her way. FML
Today, my dad came home and said that he was so inspired by hip hop dancers on TV that he decided to take a hip hop dance class. He signed up for the class that my girlfriend teaches. FML
Today, I accidentally asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted me to take blood from. He asked for a different nurse. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom and her friends comparing the differences in their nipples. FML
Today, I asked the girl I like to send me "yummy pictures." I got a picture of cheesecake. FML
Today, the gift my mother had mailed me for my birthday finally arrived. It was a gift card for Starbucks. A gift card that had already been redeemed. FML
Today, I was arrested. The policeman threw me to the ground because I wouldn't answer his questions. This was after he told me I had the "right to remain silent". FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I put 7 kisses at the end of a text instead of 10. She said that our relationship was bound to fail if "I can't remember important things like that". FML
Today, I was walking to the store when I ran into one of my friends. He said he heard about my bike being stolen the day before, and that whoever took it was a heartless dick. I hadn't told anyone about the theft. FML
Today, I was in swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your love life! Swim, bitch!" FML
Today, I was directing traffic at work during one of the hottest days of the year. Not only do I have to stand in the heat and exhaust fumes for minimum wage, I also had to endure people asking me "Aren't you hot?" as they drove past me in their air conditioned cars. FML
Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML
Today, my mother used climate change as an excuse for not remembering my birthday. FML
Today, I sat in my boss's office as he bitched me out for being "too sarcastic" to our customers. After nearly half an hour of him criticizing my "piss-poor attitude," he asked me what I was going to do to fix it. Without thinking, I said, "Your mom." Now I'm jobless again. FML
Today, my dog attacked me because I had a chicken costume on for a party. I'm currently in a hospital, dressed as a chicken, waiting for medical assistance. FML
Today, I had to tell my mom to stop sending pictures of Jesus to my boyfriend. FML
Today, a little girl I give horse-riding lessons to told me she had saved up $8.00 for her own pony. I laughed and thought how cute she was, then realized that was more than I have in my own savings account. FML
Today, I cracked a rib coughing. FML
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