Mademoiselle
Today, I asked my Dad if it was true that my mother had a C-section at my birth. He replied "Yeah, so technically you weren't even born, you were surgically removed, like a tumor." FML
Today, at work, my boss stared at me from behind while I made hand gestures and noises at a toaster. I was pretending to be Magneto. FML
Today, working as a nurse, I asked a 61-year-old patient if he did any physical activity. His reply was, "Well, I do masturbate a lot". He then went on to describe the various techniques he uses. FML
Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML
Today, my report card finally came in. My mom took one look at it and told me that if I'm not going to take my grades seriously, I might as well start looking for a sugar daddy. But first, I apparently need to work on prettying myself up. FML
Today, I was in English class when I had to use the bathroom. As I was signing out, the teacher said, "Don't forget the hall pass!" It was a plunger. I had to walk across the school with a plunger. FML
Today, it was my last day at my dad's. I thought he'd want to say goodbye, instead he told me, "Hope you've got all your shit. Anything you leave, I'm burning." FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Because she farted, and thought it was "too awkward". FML
Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML
Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in bed together, and I was in a snuggly mood. I rolled over to gaze lovingly into his eyes and whisper sweet nothings to him in the darkness. His response? "Dear God! Did somebody fart in your mouth?!" FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend secretly using my hair straightener while I was in the other room. Too embarrassed to talk to him about it, I left and came back later, only to discover him slipping on a pair of my panties. FML
Today, my friend called me at work to tell me that someone had hit my motorcycle and that it was in pretty bad shape. I chuckled and waited for the "April fools" that would follow. A picture of my wrecked bike came instead. FML
Today, my wife told me that she was leaving me for someone with more hair. FML
Today, sun was shining and I felt confident enough to go sunbathing at the beach. In only my bikini and towel, I laid out to get some sun. A while later, a little girl came up to me and said, "Aren't you embarrassed that you're so huge?" FML
Today, my wife figured that a good foreplay move would be to rub MY underwear in MY face. FML
Today, I got a paper cut from a 'get well soon' card. FML
Today, on the school bus, I rapped on a window in an attempt to get my friend's attention. A guy sitting behind me took this as an opportunity to shove my face into the window, breaking my nose. FML
Today, my boyfriend turned down a shower with me because he didn't want to get his hair wet. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother slipping into a pair of panties. Specifically, a pair of my panties. FML
Today, I realized my mom cares more about Kurt's bullying problem on Glee than she does for mine. FML
Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light headed and passed out on the floor. FML
Today, I found out that my grandma has been sending me birthday money every year. My mom just steals it before I ever see it. FML
Today, on my Facebook, the stripper my ex-husband cheated on me with showed up in the "People You May Know" box. FML
Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML
Today, I killed a pigeon. It choked to death on a piece of bread I threw its way. FML
Today, I spilt a very hot cup of tea all over a burn I got yesterday from spilling a very hot cup of tea. FML
Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML
Today, we got a new dry-erase board, and I drew the Gotham City skyline complete with the Bat Signal. Later, I went downstairs, only to find my mom had written "BATMAN'S GAY" over the top of the picture. FML
Today, I was at Walmart with my mom when a guy next to me let out a series of vicious farts. Assuming it was me, my mom chewed me out in front of the guy and made me apologize. The man looked at my mom and said, "Children, they're so immature." FML
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