spidermanpop

Today, my virgin guy friend told me he wanted me to be his first. I'm a guy. FML

Today, I had a substitute teacher for my dance class. I noticed at one point, he took out a camera. The principal came in, everyone was going crazy, and the teacher was dragged out of the classroom. He was taking videos and pictures of us dancing. Turns out he was a registered sex offender. FML

Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

Today, my mother was watching me play Pokémon. She walked over to the TV and pulled the plug before ranting about how shameful it is that her 17 year old daughter plays Pokémon. She then sat down at the computer and started playing Farmville. FML

Today, while waiting outside a liquor store for my boyfriend, a drunk guy leaned over my shoulder, took a large bite out of my burger, and walked away. FML

Today, my brother started a new tradition: sending me pictures of every poop he takes. FML

Today, I stumbled across "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" on TV and realized that these awful freaks are going to make more money than I ever will. FML

Today, my next-door neighbor decided to become a rapper. FML

Today, my mom turned off all internet access in our house because she thought I spent too much time on the computer. She later asked me why she couldn't get on Facebook. FML

MILF Manor

Today, I found out that, for over three years, my boyfriend has solely been dating me to get closer to my mom. Apparently, "she's a total MILF." FML

Today, a guy I've been seeing for a while sent me a link to a porn site, with the message, "Holy fuck, isn't this your mom?!" Thinking he was joking around, I clicked the link just to see what sick shit he wanted to show me. It was my mom. FML

Today, I realized that my life would make an excellent meme: Nerd girl goes to college, finally loses virginity; gets chlamydia. FML

Late bloomer

Today, I got a call from my son's school saying to pick him up because he'd shat his pants. He's in high school. FML

Today, I woke up to a gift from my boyfriend: a Playboy magazine with a Post-It note that said, "Just a reminder that you're easily replaceable." I think he's still mad at me for beating him on X-box. FML

Classic line

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me by saying, "It's not you, it's me. I have a terrible taste in women." FML

Today, I was stuck in the bathroom yelling for someone to get me toilet paper. My grandpa slips a small leaf under the door and says, "This is what I used in my day." FML

Thanks, I hate it!

Today, my daughter called me telling me she had her twin girls. She named them Juli and Anne. Her name is Julianne. Her kids are going to fucking hate her. FML

WHO ARE YOU?

Today, just like every morning this month, I woke up, put on my clothes, looked out my window, and was pointed at by a man in a ninja outfit on my neighbor's roof. The police still can't find him. FML

Today, I realized I'd put on my shirt on inside out, so I went to the bathroom stalls to fix it. As I was taking it off, I accidentally dropped it in the toilet. FML

Today, I caught the train into the city. Halfway there some kids hopped on smelling of marijuana and alcohol. Their topic of discussion? How much pubic hair they had. FML

Pipe down

Today, I started a new job. I'm now trapped in a small office with a woman who says, "Oh my gravy!" constantly. In response to everything. FML

All over the place

Today, I was pulled over and administered a sobriety test due to an officer's suspicion that I was driving under the influence. I was completely sober, and, apparently, I suck at driving. FML

Today, a girl said to me, "Sorry, but I have a boyfriend". I hadn't said anything to her. FML

Today, on our third date, my date tried to get me drunk and kept trying to touch me up. When I said he was moving too fast, he sighed and soon left. Just minutes later, he posted on Facebook saying "Just got friendzoned -_-". One of his friends commented: "I hate bitches, man." FML

Today, I spent nearly an hour helping a customer pick out an engagement ring. I rang him up, picked out a super cute box for the ring, and wished him luck. Later I realized I never put the ring inside the box. FML

Today, my husband lost his keys again. It's a daily struggle to find them. This time they were in an ice cube, literally. He said he must have accidentally put them in there when making ice. He's going to be the father of my future children. FML

Today, my 3-year-old daughter came along, pointing a finger at me. I pretended to eat it by putting it in my mouth. She then said to me with disgust, "Why are you eating my booger?" Ah, that explains the saltiness… FML

Punished

Today, my mother walked in on me watching porn. As punishment, she sat down and made me watch the rest of it with her as she gave play-by-play commentary. FML

WTF was that?

Today, I woke up this morning in a panic. Last night, I heard scratching at my door, but I thought it was just my cat and went back to sleep. This morning, it hit me that my cat is 600 miles away, living with my mom in Iowa. I'm terrified to even sleep now. FML

Hermit

Today, I had a dream that I was making pancakes. I need to get out more. FML