Mademoiselle Marshfield, WI 40 ans Célibataire
Today, I missed an important phone call. It's been so long since someone has called me that I didn't recognize my own ringtone. FML
Today, I realized that when a girl asks what your plans are for Valentine's Day and you say, "Nothing" and she responds with, "Oh, I don't have any plans either", it means she wants you to take her out. It took me three months to figure that out. FML
Today, my loyalty and regularity at my local pizza place were noticed. The delivery guy, when bringing yet another order, asked me if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were living with me. FML
Today, I had the cops called on me for acting suspiciously. I was using a payphone. FML
Today, while tucking my toddler in bed and telling her I love her, she responded with, "And I love your bouncy castle belly!" I know I'm overweight, but I didn't think I was that fat. FML
Today, I discovered that as of right now, the North Pole is somehow warmer than where I live. FML
Today, I realized my family is more excited to see my girlfriend than they are to see me. FML
Today, I finally achieved the perfect hourglass figure. Too bad I'm a guy. FML
Today, I'm so pale, my boss asked me whether I light up in the dark. FML
Today, my mom gave me a severe scolding because I refuse to support my 3 sisters, and support 3 "home-wreckers" instead. They are my daughters, who are 3, 5, and 7 years old. My sisters are 25, 28, and 31 years old, and won't get jobs because they are "too important". FML
Today, I went to the doctor to find out why I've been feeling so sick the past several weeks. Turns out, I'm severely allergic to the cat of my girlfriend of two years. I told her "It's me or the cat." She chose the cat. FML
Today, I tried to stop a teenage boy from entering the woman's bathroom. When he argued with me I had him thrown out. Turns out, according to their parents and driver's license, it was a girl. FML
Today, I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. FML
Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him "The Fuckinator." FML
Today, my babysitter told me to find a replacement, so I tried to bribe her into staying by offering her a raise. She told me that the money would be better spent on an exorcist. FML
Today, I found out that the day I moved out of my parents' house, they invited my whole family over and had a party to celebrate the fact that I was gone. FML
Today, my boss called me into his office. He then fired me. Upset, I asked him, "Well, who's gonna replace me?" His answer was, "I don't know and don't care. Everyone who works here hates you. Now go away." FML
Today, I woke up to the realization that I had slept through my alarm, missed a crucial work meeting, and dreamt that I was the CEO of a company that manufactured alarm clocks. I now fear that my subconscious is mocking me. FML
Today, I was trying to cook a pizza for lunch at my in-laws. I preheated the oven and took my dog out to go potty. I come back in to find the house filled with smoke, the detector going off, and a fire in the oven. Apparently, my mother-in-law left a tray of glass candle holders in it. FML
Today, I got confused and said grace before brushing my teeth. FML
Today, I seriously considered stepping in front of a car so that I could miss a few days of work. FML
Today, I was holding a lit cigarette in one hand and a lollipop in the other. Guess which one I licked? FML
Today, my boyfriend logged onto his old Skype account from 2012 to nostalgically look back at some old gaming chats. He started bawling when he came across his now-deceased online friend’s profile and reminisced about the good times. The whole chat consisted of the ‘N word’ sent back and forth. FML
Today, I woke up early for work, put on my uniform, took two buses, and when I got there my boss laughed and reminded me that I was fired yesterday. FML
Today, I got a round of applause. Too bad it was from my thighs as I went down the stairs. FML
Today, my boss sent me a link on how to write a good resignation letter. FML
Today, I got gifted a US MRE Menu 4 Cheese and Veggie Omelette, despite the fact that this crap has been discontinued by the government, as well as probably expired, as a "Thank you for your service" gift. I thought they'd gotten rid of this crap. FML
Today, I was talking to my boss at the end of an awesome internship. He said he was really satisfied with my work, and that he had considered hiring me. Turns out he decided not to because I smile too much, and it freaks him out. FML
Today, during the "What can your manager do to help with your career aspirations?" section of my annual review, my manager basically told me she wouldn't help me and I should quit. FML
Today, without realizing it, I just overstepped what is known in business as "The Competence Zone." Now any work that needs to get done properly (AKA all of it) is foisted off onto my overworked ass because I'm the only one who can do the work both competently and quickly. All I did was do the work I was given. FML
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