Nightowlflies

Today, I met my husband's other wife. FML

Today, it was my high school graduation. Everything was going fine until everyone saw my family fighting over where we would go afterwards. Security had to pull them apart. FML

Today, I got a notice on my apartment door that I'd received a package when no one was home, and it was left at the backdoor. I don't have a backdoor. FML

America, hell yeah brother

Today, my teacher's comments on my essay read, "I know it's college, but you use a lot of unnecessary words with a lot of syllables." He basically scolded me for having a complex vocabulary. I go to an accredited state university. Nothing says "America" like under-achieving professors. FML

Today, I was bragging about how I had lost 10 pounds. Grinning, I pulled my shirt up and tried to show how big my jeans were on me. Instead, the button flew off my pants. FML

Today, my budgie learned to fly, having finally outgrown his clipped wings. He flew straight over the gate, out the door and into my dogs jaws. FML

Customers from hell

Today, at work a customer yelled at me, called me a 'fucking bitch', 'a fat whore', and, told me to lose weight because I wouldn't let her in the grocery store I work at to buy lettuce, after we'd closed. Lettuce for her lizard. FML

Counterproductive

Today, and for the last two weeks, I have been preparing my girlfriend for a break up with nasty remarks. She has been finding me exceptionally funny. FML

Surprise!

Today, I returned to work after taking two days off to find I'd been fired. Why? For not being at work on those two days. Everything was agreed in writing, all trace of which has mysteriously vanished. I can't work until HR sorts it out, and nobody can tell me how long that'll take. FML

Today, I drove 2 hours to my sister's wedding, only to find out my invitation was sent to me by mistake. She had me kicked out. FML

Today, I went to a McDonald's drive-thru in just a shirt and underwear, thinking I wouldn't be seeing anyone. I got into a car crash. FML

Today, a homeless man asked me for some money to eat. He ate the five dollars I gave him. FML

Today, I adopted my second dog. When I called to tell my mom about it, she sternly told me that I was not allowed to get any more dogs. I'm 28 and own my own house. FML

Today, I was at a club and caught a cute guy's eye from across the bar. He smiled at me, got up and came over, then said "Oh shit! You looked way hotter from back there. Damn!" and walked away. FML

Today, I caught my 20 year old daughter having sex with my best friend's husband. Apparently it's my fault for coming home early. FML

Today, not even a week after I was laid off from my job, I got a call from my old boss. He offered me a "new" job at the company, which turned out to be just like my old one, but with drastically reduced pay. I'm so broke and desperate that I accepted. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I looked alright for our date. He said, "Honey, you look fine, just don't go out in public like that." FML

Today, I had my college graduation ceremony. As I was walking across the stage, some asshat, in front of over 55,000 students and staff, brazenly ran across the stage, snatched my diploma up out of the president's hand, and ran off. FML

Today, my mom wanted to send me a picture of me at graduation, saying that I looked pretty in it. It was a picture of a different girl; definitely not me. Way to go, mom. FML

Today, just like any other day, I came home from work to find all my cabinets opened, my couch cushions on the floor, my sink drain filled with items, my shoes scattered all over my apartment, etc. I thought I was adopting a kitten, but it turns out it was actually the Antichrist. FML

Today, my idiot kid brother set my shirt on fire with a magnifying glass while I was taking a nap outside. FML

Today, I'm 4ft9 "tall" and I always have trouble reaching things that are high up. It's my birthday, and I got three footstools as gifts. FML

Today, my mom and I were looking at pictures from the beach. She goes, "That is a REALLY ugly picture of Michelle" (my cousin). The picture was of me. FML

Pay attention

Today, I woke myself up by letting out a long fart. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't fallen asleep while on jury duty. FML

Today, my four-year-old son received a 20 Euro bill from his grandmother. Since he couldn't fit the bill into his piggy bank, he tore it up into a bunch of tiny pieces to make it fit. FML

Happy Pride everyone!

Today, my mum visited. Even though I live under my own roof now, I caught her continuing her old habit of throwing out any clothes she thinks make me look "gay". FML

Today, while working the drive-through, a woman ordered a large coffee with four creams. I handed her the coffee, and she took a sip. She then hurled it at me, screaming, "I said four creams, not five!" and sped off, leaving me drenched in hot coffee. FML

Today, I woke up in the hospital after my sister saved me from "hanging" myself. In reality, my sister choked me because I ate her last chicken nugget. FML

Today, at work, I was tasked with cleaning up a small AC flood. I saw that water was still dripping from the overhead AC as it was frozen over, so I asked the resident for a bowl to catch the water after I'm done extracting the water from the carpet. She handed me a colander. FML

Furby freakout

Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to get frisky when the Furby Party Rocker all the way across the room started going off on its own and completely killed the mood. I took the batteries out of the little bastard immediately, but the mood was lost. FML