Mademoiselle Marshfield, WI 40 ans Célibataire
Today, at my aunt's wedding, the time for the tossing of the bouquet came and the announcer asked for all the single ladies to gather behind the bride. I was the only one. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother slipping into a pair of panties. Specifically, a pair of my panties. FML
Today, I was taken to the hospital after I fell down the stairs. The physician who saw me bit his lip and said he would have to amputate my foot, and I fainted in terror. One of the nurses later told me to "learn to take a damn joke." FML
Today, I had to meet my mother. Being a college student, I decided I was too lazy to shave this morning. She noticed the stubble on my face, and started crying because I'm growing up. I'm 23 years-old. My dad yelled at me for making my mom cry. FML
Today, I got fired from my new waitress job after 2 shifts. They said I wasn't experienced enough to handle the fast pace. I thought I'd been doing well so I asked my friend who works there what really happened. Apparently not showing my boobs enough at a family place was grounds for dismissal. FML
Today, I received the honorary title of "Student of the Month," because I'm the only quiet kid during class. Truth is, I just have no friends. I was given an award for being socially awkward. FML
Today, my mother threatened me if I keep wearing yoga pants to school, she's going to have my dad pick me up in a speedo. FML
Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his friends as his "sex partner." FML
Today, I brought my girlfriend home to introduce to my parents. My dad thought it would be hilarious to fill some clear bags full of flour, then pretend he was sampling a cocaine shipment when she arrived. She excused herself very quickly and isn't answering my calls. FML
Today, during my friend's group's science project presentation, the teacher yelled at me, "Stop making stupid faces at the presenters!" I was smiling. FML
Today, an old lady hit me with her car, after which she said, "Oh! Not again!" FML
Today, I found out that my family hides food from me. FML
Today, I had to give a reference for a former employee. I tried to say he was always willing to give us a hand on the job. Instead, I said he was always willing to give us hand-jobs. FML
Today, I was at my best friend's wedding. As she threw the bouquet, I was punched in the face by another bridesmaid. Later, as I was explaining what had happened, I punched myself in the face. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to go on a date with me tomorrow. His reaction was to pick up a banana and pretend that he was in the middle of a phone call. FML
Today, my sister broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years because he hadn't "popped" the question. I've just spent the last 2 months helping him plan the perfect proposal. FML
Today, it was my first day working at a dog boarding kennel. I got bit... by my coworker. FML
Today, during a lecture, my teacher jokingly talked about the time he was best buds with George Washington. Another student then asked, "Really? You knew him?" I'm in an advanced placement U.S. history class. FML
Today, I was disciplined by my boss for "not smiling enough." I'm a dishwasher. FML
Today, the guy I like shoved me out of the way so he could talk to another girl. FML
Today, I found out all the "work meetings" my husband has been going to wasn't him having an affair after all, but him attending a neo-Nazi group. FML
Today, my boss fired me by locking me out of my workplace after I went out to throw out the trash. FML
Today, through a mutual friend, I met the girl of my dreams. After flirting and exchanging numbers with her, my friend confessed that she's liked me since the day we met. Now the girl of my dreams doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me out of respect for our friend. FML
Today, I awoke to my husband talking to someone on the phone at 2am. I heard him say, "Baby you're making me hard." Immediately, I asked him who he was talking to. His response? "It's Jake, from State Farm." FML
Today, I forgot what I was doing while listening to a voicemail and started talking back to it. FML
Today, I gave my boss two weeks notice for me leaving work, as I had received a better job offer with twice the pay. I thought he took it well until I heard him mutter under his breath, "About fucking time." FML
Today, I'm grieving over the death of my best friend of 9 years. My mom wasted no time arriving at the conclusion that I must be hormonal and pregnant with his child. Apparently it's not normal for a woman to cry so much over a man, unless they've been fucking. FML
Today, my friends decided that I eat too many snacks. To emphasize this point, they went behind my back and printed 300 pages with my face and the words "NO SNACKS" on them. They were posted in every academic building on campus, including every room I have class in. FML
Today, I asked out this girl I've been spending a lot of time with lately. She told me she was only hanging out with me because she thought I was gay and wouldn't try to get in her pants. FML
Today, I was fired. For no reason, at all. Literally. And it's totally legal. Thanks to my state being an "at will" employment state. FML
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