Nightowlflies

Today, my friend and I were discussing music bands, and I asked who her favorite Queen member is. She looked at me like I was from another world and said, "I don't have a favorite British queen. That's like, so weird." FML

Today, I found out that my sister's kids refer to me as their 'Drunkle'. I guess I have to admit to myself that I'm an alcoholic. FML

Panic mode engaged

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved him. He told me he was a dinosaur. FML

Today, I overheard my mother telling a friend she got me oven mitts for Christmas. I got her two cruise tickets. I hate to cook. Which she knows. FML

Today, I went to the doctor to try and get answers about the numbness and tingling in my right leg. The Dr told me I was too fat for my pants, and I pinched a nerve. FML

Matchmakers

Today, my very traditional parents told me that I should start a savings account for my marriage. I told them that I wouldn't get married until much later because I don't even have a boyfriend yet. They said, "Don't worry we already found a boy for you." FML

Today, I applied online for a position and typed, "OH&S Certificate." It autocorrected to, "OH&SHIT Certificate." I didn't notice until the site e-mailed me a copy of my completed application. They'd already received it. FML

Today, at a wedding reception, I accidentally caught the bouquet. I got cussed out by the women who were fighting over it for being uninvited and party crashing. I'm a busgirl and the bouquet only landed on the tray I was holding. FML

Doubling down

Today, I thought my online boyfriend was calling me, so the first line I said was "Hey, Baby." His wife answered with, "This is Jenny. Who's this?" After speaking for thirty minutes, I found out he's married, fifty-eight, and has two kids. I'm seventeen. FML

Rough

Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML

SHUT UP

Today, my extremely loud and nocturnal flatmate phoned me to tell me excitedly that he got an accordion for his birthday. FML

Today, my mum sat me down for a serious talk about not being home enough - not because she misses me, but because the family cat needs more stability in her life. FML

Today, my mom wanted me to pick up my cousin from work immediately. I'm in my shirt and underwear with no other clothes and I'm also too young to drive. She said "He won't mind, and just take my drivers license, they'll never know!" FML

Panic!

Today, I picked my baby up from my babysitter's house. As I was getting him ready for bed, I saw blood and immediately went into a panic, rushing to the hospital and trying to contact her to see if my baby fell and she didn't tell me. Turns out it was just hot Cheeto dust mixed with drool. FML

Today, I laughed when I saw my ex-girlfriend in her overall uniform, thinking she'd got a job as a janitor. Turns out she's as professional marine welder. She's 22 years old and earns my monthly salary in three days. My current girlfriend who was there with me called me a loser in front of her. FML

Today, I woke up to the fire department at my house. Why? My brother called 911 thinking there was a fire after turning the heat on for the first time all winter. FML

Today, after months of unemployment, I finally started at a new job. The building burnt down on my very first shift. FML

Today, my parents told me that I'm no longer allowed to come home from boarding school on weekends because it will confuse my cats and disrupt their lives. FML

Today, I watched a manager and a co-worker sit underneath a table in our store all day as I got yelled at for not working hard enough. I was the only one actually working. FML

Surprise!

Today, I went to a birthday party at my girlfriend's house. When her little brother was about to blow out the candles, I slipped my hand into her sister's back pocket and squeezed her ass, thinking it was my girlfriend. She freaked out, and now her family thinks I'm a pervert. FML

Today, I built a computer with 8 graphics cards that were really expensive. Yeah, they all blew up except the one that cost half the price of the rest. FML

Today, I was on a date with a guy I met online. After 30 minutes, he abruptly stands up and says he has to leave. He practically ran out of Starbucks to get away from me. FML

Today, I flirted with a guy for ten minutes before realizing I was sitting between him and his girlfriend. FML

Today, I attended an assembly regarding senior graduation. The assistant principal told us to look to the left and right of us, because those people would be our friends for the rest of our lives. I was the only one in the entire row. FML

No! Noooo!

Today, I told my parents I was pregnant. They yelled at me until I started crying. I'm 31, married, and I have a good paying job. FML

Today, my niece told me to go and find my own friends. She's 2, and I'm 18. FML

Today, my mattress has gotten so old and trashed that I was woken up by two springs ripping through my bed sheets and stabbing me in the leg and abdomen. FML

That sucks

Today, I bought a new vacuum cleaner after having to go several months without one. Immediately, I wanted to try it out. I must have underestimated how powerful it was, as it sucked up my socks and then broke. FML

Today, I was talking to a customer and I actually fell asleep for a couple of seconds. I can honestly say she wouldn't stop talking and didn't even notice me snoring. FML

Today, my grandma bought me a cemetery plot for my birthday. If that's not weird enough, it's about a two-minute walk from where the rest of my family will be buried. FML