foreeverwhat

You ain't heard anything, right?

Today, my boyfriend and I made love for the first time. Before we left his house so he could walk me home, I fixed my hair by the hall mirror and joked about having serious sex hair. My boyfriend quickly reminded me that his incredibly religious mother was in the next room. FML

Today, my wedding ring went missing. Later, my 3-year-old came to me crying, he'd got it stuck on his penis. When I tried to get it off, he peed on me. FML

Farm life

Today, my crush and I were volunteering at a local farm. He confessed to me that I'm one of the most beautiful girls he's ever seen. Just as he leaned in to kiss me, I lost my footing and fell into a pile of horse shit. He just stood there, pointing and laughing. FML

We finally made it

Today, I had my first orgasm. Unfortunately, it was during breakup sex. FML

Communication tool

Today, my husband let me know he felt I was ignoring him by jabbing me in the right ear with his erect penis while I was Skyping with my mum overseas. FML

Today, after saving up for weeks, I bought myself an iPad. Because mine is better than the one my parents bought my ten-year-old brother, he got pissed and threw it into our pool. I'm now grounded for getting angry and calling him a bastard in the aftermath. FML

Today, I learned that scorpions can apparently hold their breath for hours, and that doing so makes them angry. I found this out when I removed a scorpion from the bottom of my pool and found that it was not entirely drowned. FML

Creepy and spooky

Today, my new roommate showed me to my room, which I got a good deal on. I noticed a big black spot on the floor in the walk-in closet. When I asked, he said his last roommate committed suicide and he didn't want to pay to have the carpets professionally cleaned, hence the "good deal." FML

Today, my aunt brought me a birthday present. I quickly figured out that she'd simply returned the jacket I let her borrow two years ago for my brother's graduation party. It reeks of cigarette smoke and alcohol. FML

Today, my husband decided that he simply couldn't exist any longer without giving me his own version of a wet-willy. He creeped up on me as I was sleeping and wiggled his wet penis around in my ear. FML

Today, for the second week in a row, my brother woke me up in the small hours of the morning begging me to help him figure out the math problem to turn off his phone's stupid-ass app alarm. FML

Today, I was talking to my future mother-in-law about my upcoming wedding. She told me that I wasn't allowed to have the wedding at a church, nor wear a white dress, nor have roses for flowers, because that would mean I'd be "copying" her. FML

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to initiate sex with me in my sleep. He confessed to thinking that if he did it lightly enough, I'd think I was just dreaming. FML

Today, while I was using my computer, my cat ran up to the power strip, looked me in the eyes, and hit the power switch, turning everything off. She does this quite often. FML

Today, I walked into the kitchen at 5 am, to have my 7 and 9 year olds throw a bucket of water on me. To their surprise and horror, I didn't melt. FML

Poltergeist

Today, after weeks of coming home to find my furniture all tipped over, thinking the place was haunted, and accepting my boyfriend's offers to come over and "comfort" me, I came home from work early. I found my boyfriend in the kitchen, kicking over all the chairs. FML

Competitive

Today, I was babysitting, and we were playing a game. Because he was little, I let him win all the games. He then turned to me and said, "You're really bad at this." I got very defensive and won the next game, and was actually proud that I beat a 3-year-old. FML

Today, I learned why so much money has been missing from my credit card account. My boyfriend stole it, and has been buying toys for his 3 children. I never knew he had kids. FML

Today, I learned from my daughter's teacher that she has been wearing the same shirt for the past few weeks, ever since we had a fight about how I don't pay attention to her. FML

Caught red handed

Today, I caught my brother whacking off with my expensive bottle of lotion. This might not have been quite so disturbing had he not been caught with his entire penis in the bottle. FML

Today, the power went out at school. If it's out for more than twenty minutes, standard procedure is to let us go home. They came back on almost nineteen minutes later. FML

Today, while looking through the camera my boyfriend got me, I found a video of a girl giving him head. After screaming at him about it and breaking up with him, I realized the girl was a drunken me. FML

Late bloomer

Today, I got a call from my son's school saying to pick him up because he'd shat his pants. He's in high school. FML

Today, while at a pool party, I found out the reason I got my new, white bikini at such a bargain price; it goes completely transparent when wet. I only realized this after everyone was staring at me and whistling. FML

Today, my neighbors left for their nine month excursion, and armed their security system. One of the features is a loud series of three beeps every three seconds, 24 hours a day. I can hear it, clear as a bell, throughout my entire house. FML

Today, I had a cyst in my butt removed. The doctors had to make a hole, and then fill it with gauze before sending me home. As soon as I got back, my sister decided to kick me in the butt as hard as she could. FML

Today, while shopping, an old man came up to me and told me I should be ashamed for walking around fake limping, and that it's horrible to mock people who actually limp from serious injuries. I wasn't faking, I was born without my right leg and I was getting used to my new prosthetic one. FML

Today, I woke up after having a dream which included sex with a very hot guy. I realized it's about time I get laid, because the hot guy was Brock from Pokémon. FML

Wurdz is hard

Today, a cute girl sitting next to me asked if she could use my phone. As I handed it to her, I attempted to use the expression, "Knock yourself out," but for a reason I can still not fathom, it came out as, "Kill yourself." FML

Today, at the age of 57, my dad got a unicorn tattooed on his shoulder. FML