Today, I got fired from my job. I caught a customer taking pictures up my skirt, and my boss fired me for calling the police and "making a big deal out of it". FML
Today, my wife figured that a good foreplay move would be to rub MY underwear in MY face. FML
Today, my man and I were having sex on edge of bed. We were using chocolate spread and I was riding him. When we were done, he got up and I noticed a long brown line on the edge of the bed. I knelt down to smell it. It was NOT chocolate. FML
Today, all I wanted was stress-relief sex with the guy I sleep with. Instead, I was so exhausted from my day that he thought I wasn't into it and ended up just talking to me about what we're going to do after college. Trading a booty call for a meaningful and heartfelt discussion. FML
Today, I decided to give things a go with the guy that has fancied me for three years, based purely on my looks. After getting to know my personality, he has decided he no longer fancies me at all. FML
Today, I sent out my resume to about a dozen jobs on Craigslist. I realized that I hadn't updated it in a while and went to double check it after the fact. My ex at some point had changed my objective to "I'm a cocksucker who needs a job real bad." FML
Today, I made a Craigslist ad looking for hot and horny women that wanted some. I only got one reply, from another guy asking me if this kind of thing actually works. FML
Today, I found out that my assistant is now my manager. FML
Today, a boy I'm not even dating took it upon himself to tell me that we would never work out. Via text message. FML
Today, my best friend was crying because her boyfriend is a retard. I brought my thumb up to wipe a tear off her face, and somehow stuck it up her nose. FML
Today, I had a wet dream. When I woke up, I was touching myself. Unfortunately, I also woke up to find that I had fallen asleep on the couch after eating too much at a family reunion. When I looked around the room, over 10 relatives were giving me nasty looks. FML
Today, I was talking to my friend about my life when she stopped me mid-sentence and told me that my life makes her sad. FML
Today, I was looking after my parents house and their wiener dog, and fell asleep on the couch. The dog climbed onto my shoulders and rested behind my head like a doggie neck pillow. All was great until she farted right in my left ear. FML
Today, I drove an hour in a rainstorm to go see my boyfriend. Thirty minutes and a blow job later, he tells me he's going to meet some friends for dinner in half an hour then kicks me out of his house. It's still raining. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked if her friend Alex from high school could join in with us and we could have an amazing threesome. As a horny dude, how could I say no? Turns out Alex is also a guy's name. FML
Today, my boss caught me playing games on the computer for 4 hours. My boss told me to feel free and continue, but to pack my stuff up and leave when I was done. FML
Today, two girls invited me up to their room at 3 am. As soon as we pressed the up button on the elevator, the fire alarm went off. FML
Today, I fell asleep. I felt something on my face. I batted it away. It was my hamster. It died from a concussion upon hitting the wall. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML
Today, as my boyfriend was trying to convince me that he was not having an affair with another woman named Julie, he looked me in the eye and exclaimed, "I would never cheat on you, I love you more than anything, Julie". FML
Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML
Today, I told my mom I loved her a lot. Her reply? "Thanks." FML
Today, I looked at the Facebook page of the girl I really liked, and I saw that she'd written on her friend's wall, "Last night was the biggest mistake of my life." We hooked up last night. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Mid-thrust she says "I love you, Jeremy." Then in rapid succession, she fires off 2 other names. None of the names were mine. FML
Today, I told my mom I loved her and she asked if I was going to kill myself. FML
Today, my crush talked to me for the first time. He told me to stop staring. FML
Today, I went to a movie with my boyfriend. In the lobby, I asked why the glasses were not working. I said, "Do they only work inside the theater?" My boyfriend replied, "3-D glasses just work inside the movie, everything else in the World is pretty much 3-D." FML
Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML
Today, as I was getting dressed after having sex with a guy I like, he told me I looked better with my clothes on. FML
Today, I told my long-distance girlfriend that I just could not handle the distance and we should just be friends. To which she responded, "What? You thought we were going out? Lol". FML
Vous voulez la partager avec les autres utilisateurs de VDM ?
Votre VDM a bien été soumise, elle devrait apparaître en modération bientôt !
Vous pouvez publier votre VDM sur Reddit, elle sera automatiquement publiée sur la communauté.
Poster ma VDM sur Reddit
