MistyKittyx

Today, for my two-year anniversary I got my girlfriend a very expensive diamond necklace. She got me male enhancement pills. FML

Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She's sending me to bible camp. FML

Stop

Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year-old daughter texted me from her room, "Stop." FML

Today, I acted like I always do when I'm alone in my seemingly sound-proof apartment. I sang loudly, talked back to the TV, used my vibrator. Later, in the silence of the night, I heard my neighbor next door YAWNING. FML

Now watching

Today, I came home, turned on my laptop, and turned the TV on mute so I could check my email. My mom came home an hour later, took a look at me on the couch, then the TV, and asked what on earth I was watching. I looked up from my laptop and realized it was porn. FML

Today, I found some nude vintage pictures in my house. I decided to beat my meat to them. Later I found out it was my grandma. FML

Today, I was at my girlfriends house. After having sex, we went downstairs to where the rest of the family was. At this point I did not realise that I had a used condom stuck to my foot. The family did. FML

Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought it would be funny to shove my face in the cake. While the candles were still lit. FML

Today, I found out everyone in my family thought the red toothbrush was theirs, and that all four of us have been using the same toothbrush for months. FML

Today, I'm 19 years old and, having never been on a date, I agreed to let my friend set me up. He was adorable, young, with blond hair and blue eyes...and 4 years old. My friend tricked me into babysitting. FML

Today, I was on a plane. When my flight attendant brought me my drink, it had a lid and a straw. He told me, very seriously, "not to spill." No one else got a lid. I'm 18, and apparently I look spill-prone. FML

Inspired

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend. I started to come, screaming, "Ah... ah... ah... AHH!" To which he added, "Staying alive! Staying alive!" FML

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML

Wanking yourself to death

Today, I had an asthma attack because I was masturbating too vigorously. FML

Today, one week after my girlfriend berated me for not being invested enough in our relationship, I proposed to her. Her answer? "I meant give me an orgasm, not a ring!" FML

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone. The subject of abuse came up and I told her that if her father ever hurt her I would cut his dick off. The next thing I hear is, "Don't say shit you can't back up!" Her father had picked up the phone the moment I'd said it. FML

Vegas, my ass

Today, it looks like I may have an STD. My fiancé and his friends went to Vegas two months ago. He says he's been completely faithful. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Turns out that's not quite true. FML

Today, I overheard my parents in the kitchen talking about how they wanted to try anal tonight. There is over three and a half feet of snow outside, leaving me no way to escape the horrible sounds and mental images yet to come. FML

Demon

Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself last night was my sister's Furby that she'd stuck in the closet. FML

Today, I was spending Saint Patrick's Day with my girlfriend, when she started pinching me for not wearing green. To my complete shock, when she pinched my nipple, I got the biggest, most noticeable erection I've ever had in my life, and no matter what I did, it wouldn't go away. We were in public. FML

Good catch

Today, my father came over to my house. I realized there were condoms on the table, so I subtly moved a vase to hide them. He then gave me an unamused look and said, "I know you have sex. You've been married for nine years. Grow the fuck up, dumbass." FML

Get me the manager

Today, I called the car repair shop to complain to the manager about their tow driver who keeps making sexual passes at me. The girl taking my call started crying and said that their driver was her husband. I'm being sexually harassed, my car is dead, and I think I just ended a marriage. FML

ADMIT IT!

Today, my mum accused me of doing heroin because some teaspoons had gone missing. FML

TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML

Intense heat

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend in his bedroom. It was getting pretty intense, so he got up to close the door. While he was facing the other way, I took off my bra and sling-shot it so that it would hit him. Right when I let go of it, his mom walked in and it hit her in the face. FML

Rewarding

Today, my wife created a "Points Reward" system for the privilege of sex. 10 points for doing the dishes, 20 for the laundry, etc. How many points do I need before I can have sex with her? 2300. FML

Today, at work I had to convince an 80 year-old mental patient that she's not Ke$ha and that she really has to put her clothes back on. FML

Today, my twelve year old neighbour decided to give a Hannah Montana concert in her backyard, starring herself. Unfortunately, she only knew three lines of the song "The Best of Both Worlds" and screamed them repeatedly at the top of her lungs. FML

Today, I made a video for a school tour of my apartment in German. The walls in my apartment are thin, so you could hear my sister having phone sex in her room in the background. FML

Today, I went into hospital for knee surgery. When I awoke, I was surprised to find a bandage wrapped around my throbbing head. The nurse explained that a student observer had fainted in the operating room and his head had smashed against mine on the way down. FML