fredbill

Today, I tried to pick up two girls by asking them what time it was. They burst out laughing. FML

Lost

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML

Today, my girlfriend came over to my place, looking drop dead gorgeous. However, she preferred the idea of sleeping, and here I am on my laptop. FML

Today, though it’s been a month since I removed the plaster from my wrist, it still stinks of feet. FML

Late bloomer

Today, I learned that the girl I love thinks I'm gay. To be honest, I'm having doubts too. FML

Today, I have blue lips because of a guy whose face I don't even remember didn't know the difference between kissing and sucking. FML

Day terrors

Today, I yelled out while I was asleep. However, I was sleeping during a very important meeting with customers and my boss. FML

Today, I kissed the girl I love for the first time. Her reaction? She vomited. FML

Today, I went to a friend's wedding. I took stupid photos all day long and when came the moment that the bride entered the church, my battery died. FML

Party boy

Today, after a party, I brought a girl to the flat I share with my two best friends. While we are doing it, she asked me, "You're not afraid your friends will hear us?" The only answer that spontaneously came out of my mouth was, "Don't worry, they're used to it." FML

Today, the girl I'm secretly in love with, whom I was talking to on MSN, told me she'd "brb in 10, no wait 20, oh make that 30 min" depending on her boyfriend's stamina. FML

Today, my little brother, who is 11, explained to me how babies are made. I’m 15. FML

Today, they finally took my braces off. 7 hours later I fell off my bike and chipped my tooth. FML

Walked into that one

Today, I told a friend that he looked smarter with his glasses on. He took them off and said, "Oh, and now you look more handsome." FML

Mystery man

Today, as I was taking my three year-old daughter home from daycare, she asked where her daddy was. I tried to tell her that I was her father, but she answered, "No, not you! My other daddy!" I've got some talking to do tonight. FML

Today, I've just lost over £12,000 and it's not even halfway through the trading day. FML

Today, my 6-year-old son said to me, "You smell nice daddy." Surprised but flattered, I thanked him. He then added, "I like the smell of cheese!'" FML

Today, to my delight I discover that there is security camera in the storage room at my work. The same room where, two days ago I masturbated. FML

Today, I awoke to rose petals leading me to the front garden. Curious, I followed them, thinking my boyfriend planned something romantic. As I walked out the door, I was hit in the face with a paper plate full of whipped cream and sprinkles, and then locked outside. FML

Today, the student council gave us our senior class t-shirts. Our theme this year is "Striving for Excellence." Excellence was misspelled. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that the only reason he likes me is because I let him watch porn without throwing a fuss. FML

Today, my brother in law got into a fight with my husband. My pregnant sister was yelling at her husband to stop beating my husband up. When I came into the room, I asked why they were fighting. You'll never guess who the real father of my sister's baby is. FML

Today, my dad took my phone away. This would be fine if I was 14. I'm 22 and pay for all of my own bills. FML

Today, as part of the treatment for my bulimia, my doctor informed me that I will not be allowed to go to the bathroom unsupervised. Meaning there will have to be another person in the bathroom with me at all times. I have a nervous bladder. I couldn't go if I wanted to. FML

Today, my mom took a bright red sharpie and drew a red circle just above my breasts. She said, "If I can see this, ever, your shirt is either too low cut or too see through and it will be thrown away." FML

Damn

Today, I went to the free clinic down the street to prove to my girlfriend I don't have any STDs so that we can finally have sex. Turns out I have one. FML

Today, my dad used the stove to boil water. Unfortunately, he turned the wrong burner on, setting the smoke alarm off. What's worse was the smell of burning plastic that came from the coffeemaker being melted down. It's been over an hour, and my eyes still burn like hell when I walk into the kitchen. FML

Today, I was driving home when I saw my boyfriend chundering on the side of the road, into an old lady's shopping basket. FML