Today, while at the mall, a kid no older than 5 pushed a stroller into my heel, which caught the back of my shoe and caused me to face-plant the floor in the middle of a very crowded department store. I didn't even get an apology. FML
Today, I found out where my surprise honeymoon is: it involves swimming with dolphins. I have a huge fear of dolphins, whales, and sharks. FML
Today, I had to teach my younger brother to shave with a regular disposable razor because our dad uses an electric one and I'm the only other person in the family with enough facial hair to know how to use a razor. I probably would have been proud if I wasn't a girl. FML
Today, I went on a 7-hour plane flight. For 3 hours I had a bloody nose. When it finally stopped, I sneezed. It started to bleed again. FML
Today, a kid I taught to swim became my new boss, at the pool that I have worked at for nine years. FML
Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML
Today, I finally summed up the courage to break up with my abusively controlling girlfriend. I don't know what I was thinking, but instead of leaving as a free man, I left as an engaged one. FML
Today, I almost got kidnapped. Again. FML
Today, my little brother got his crush to go out with him by impressing her with his level 500 FarmVille. This is the next generation. FML
Today, I was admitted to hospital for suspected kidney failure. I called my best friend to let her know I couldn't make it to her birthday party tonight. She seemed to be infinitely more upset that I wouldn't be able to give her a birthday present. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner so she could meet my parents. Over the dinner, she asked my dad what's he's been up to since he retired. He replied, "Recreational gynecology, my dear" and gave her a weird wink. FML
Today, I went to the hospital for stomach pains, and was told that it sounds like I have an ovarian cyst. My mom went into a rage, screaming that I'd lied to her about being a virgin. Despite the doctor explaining that sexual activity has nothing to do with it, she refuses to believe him. FML
Today, I confronted my daughter about the various drug-associated items I found in her room. She then confronted me about going in her room and invading her privacy, to the point where I forgot the main issue and apologised to her. I just got outsmarted by a teenage pothead. FML
Today, I realized just how much of a bitch I am when I grounded my son for not telling me what he got me for my birthday. FML
Today, an attractive guy asked me to get coffee with him. My response was, "I don't drink coffee." I turned down the first guy to ask me out in 3 months. FML
Today, I learned that I do not possess the upper body, core, or leg strength to hold my girlfriend up during sex. I simultaneously collapsed and dropped her onto her coffee table. We are now both being treated at the hospital; her for glass wounds, me for a concussion. FML
Today, at work, my phone kept crashing. Without thinking, I announced that it was having a seizure. Who did I announce this to? My boss. Who also happens to have epilepsy. FML
Today, I let my daughter bake a cake for her brother's fifth birthday party. She showed up later with a cake in the shape of a cock and balls. Apparently it's okay, though, because "I frosted it to look like a rocket, hehehe!" I can't believe my balls spawned this moron. FML
Today, I found out just how easy it is to be launched against the wall and sucker-punched into oblivion by a 200-pound former Marine turned professional body-builder. I discovered this after I told my fiancée's dad that we were expecting a baby. FML
Today, I saw my girlfriend walking hand-in-hand down the street with another man. When I confronted her, she claimed she had no idea who I was, and the guy told me to beat it. Later on, she returned to our apartment and actually tried to act as if nothing had happened. FML
Today, I moved back home after unsuccessfully trying to find work in Florida, despite living there for nine months. About 45 minutes into my 18-hour drive home, a TV station called me to offer me a job interview. I applied for that job over three months ago. FML
Today, as I was getting ready to go to the midnight premiere of the new Spiderman movie, I was actually bitten by a spider. He gets super powers and a hot girl, I swell up like a balloon and get to spend the night in the hospital. FML
Today, I was having an argument with my girlfriend in front of our friends. I didn't want her to spoil my good time, so I ignored her until she disappeared. She re-appeared thirty minutes later just to throw a punch that would make Muhammad Ali jealous. Our friends' reaction? They clapped. FML
Today, my new boss gave everyone a lecture about sexual harassment in the workplace. Which would be fine if he'd been able to tear his gaze off my chest for more than a minute at a time. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed. Two hours later I get a text from my ex announcing he has just been diagnosed with chlamydia. I now have to explain this to my fiancé. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and sister fooling around in the shower together. Supposedly, she was sleepwalking, and he was trying to wake her up. FML
Today, I got a raise at work. It will bring my hourly wage to about a cent more per hour. Our CEO just reported record-breaking profits for the year. FML
Today, I called my mom to see how she was doing. She quickly hijacked the conversation and said that she's signed me up for a dating site, because she feels bad that I can't find a decent man. I've been dating my boyfriend for seven months, and she's seen me with him multiple times. FML
Today, what started as my mom calling my grandma for a recipe turned into them discussing the philosophical reason behind my baking. I apparently picked up baking because I'm depressed over unemployment. And here I thought I just liked the smell of baked goods. FML
Today, I walked into my roommate's room to ask him a question, only to see a pitcher with over a pint of urine in it sitting on his bookcase. This is at least the fifth conversation in a year I've had with him about not peeing in containers in his room. FML
Vous voulez la partager avec les autres utilisateurs de VDM ?
Votre VDM a bien été soumise, elle devrait apparaître en modération bientôt !
Vous pouvez publier votre VDM sur Reddit, elle sera automatiquement publiée sur la communauté.
Poster ma VDM sur Reddit
