smovexmente

Today, I got very drunk after being fired from my job. In my depressed, intoxicated state, I posted my facebook status as 'Goodbye world'. The only response was from my dad saying 'cya'. His comment got 29 likes. FML

Today, I found out that my 43 year-old wife has been having a cyber relationship with a 14 year-old kid on Halo. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided to come over and surprise me. When he got to my apartment and heard the shower running, he decided get in and join me. I was walking my dog, my mother is in town for the weekend. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided he hates my male best friend because they have "conflicting interests." My best friend's response? "What's his gamertag so I can shoot him in Halo?" FML

Today, my daughter came up to me crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she had a fight with her imaginary boyfriend. She's 16. I raised this child. FML

Master manipulator

Today, my cat learned how to flush the toilet while I was in the shower. His transformation from cute kitten to pure evil entity is now complete. FML

Today, I just found out that my ex girlfriend is gonna be my step mother. FML

Breaking news

Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career. She did an ultrasound on me to show me how to do the job. I found out I was pregnant. FML

Today, my daughter told my son that Santa is not real. Of course, being a child, he started to cry. My only problem is, my son is 11 and my daughter is 6. FML

Today, a woman came to my counter and ordered 12 donuts. I said, "OK sure, a dozen donuts." She paused, looked at me with disgust and yelled, "I said 12, NOT a dozen." FML

Today, while socializing after a church service, I discovered I'm still referred to as "Fireshit's brother", after an incident a year ago which involved my sister screaming "the devil is coming out of my anus!" from the lavatory. FML

Today, I went to a concert. Being 6'5" was a great advantage because I could see the stage from wherever I was stood. On the downside, I was used by people as a meeting point. FML

Today, I put a blue toilet cleaner square in the back of toilet. My fiancé called me later on freaking out because he couldn't get the "blue water to go away" when he flushed. FML

Today, I overcame my fear of swimming in lakes and went for a swim. I got bitten by an eel. FML

Today, I had to sit through chemistry class watching the kid in front of me slowly peel off the scabs on his arms, examine them, and then eat them. For an hour. FML

Today, I noticed we had gotten new colored toothpicks at the restaurant I work at. That was the highlight of my day. Apparently my life has gotten so boring I get excited over colored toothpicks. FML

Today, my sister's boyfriend said the only thing he'd change about her was her last name. My boyfriend told me he'd change the shape of my nose. FML

Today, my boyfriend informed me that the mother of his children, from whom he is not divorced yet, is moving back into his house because she broke up with her boyfriend and has nowhere to go. FML