Today, I text messaged my mom from Afghanistan to let her know everything was okay. She responded, telling me not to message her so much because "the price of text messages really adds up." FML
Today, I saw that my ex-boyfriend was online and had no plans. I felt extreme happiness knowing he had no life. Then I realized that I was online and had no plans. FML
Today, I had to purchase a new flat screen TV for the bar I work at. Last night I was dared to break an ashtray against the wall. I completely missed the wall and smashed the screen of the new TV they bought last month. FML
Today, my fiancé admitted to me that the only reason he's attracted to me and asked me to marry him is because I look and act like his favorite anime character. FML
Today, I was alone in my dorm room rehearsing comments to make in my writing class tomorrow. I grew up with a severe stutter, and rehearsing like this is one of the ways I keep my speech under control. What I didn't plan on was my roommate walking in. I think she now thinks I'm schizophrenic. FML
Today, I couldn't get to work because I couldn't find my car keys. It turns out, my mother took them and put them "somewhere safe." She can't remember where they are. FML
Today, a guy at work was ranking the girls we work with in the order he'd want to date them. He told me I was 6th "because personality is important, too." FML
Today, I realized the only times my boyfriend ever says, "I love you" are after he screws up or when he wants a blowjob. FML
Today, a telemarketer found me so weird that he hung up on me. FML
Today, I was getting ready for the school swimming carnival and was running very late. I reached for my deodorant and sprayed it on. It was only when I was at the pool that I realized I had accidentally grabbed the spray tan and covered my underarms in it. FML
Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career. She did an ultrasound on me to show me how to do the job. I found out I was pregnant. FML
Today, was my first day at school. I got kicked out of the class for imitating a monkey. I wasn't imitating a monkey... I was laughing. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me to Google how to last longer in bed. FML
Today, I confessed to my best friend that I love him and always have. He whispered to himself, "Why do the fat chicks always want me?" FML
Today, I bought one of my favorite albums from when I was growing up. When I looked at the liner notes, I learned that my favorite song on the album wasn't about taking a bath, but about going to a brothel. My second-favorite isn't about moving, but about suicide. My childhood just shattered. FML
Today, I started an awesome job with competitive pay. I also found out that the place is closing its doors in June. FML
Today, while working as security for a football game, I told a woman she wasn't allowed to bring her Snickers bar into the stadium because no outside food was allowed in. She threw it at my face, then tried to spit on me. I hate people. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend likes to show his female co-workers his dick, by emailing them pictures of it. I found out when he included my email address in with theirs. FML
Today, I found out that while I see a therapist for my trust issues, my husband sleeps with our nanny. FML
Today, my boss was skeptical when I told her I had a terrible migraine and needed to go home for the day early. I removed all her doubts by puking over her. FML
Today, while my boyfriend was going down on me, he fell asleep right between my legs. The worst part was I only noticed when he started snoring. FML
Today, my boyfriend emailed me this morning to let me know that he had forwarded the joke that I had sent to him to all of his workmates and friends. He was quickly given the heads-up by one of his friends that all of our intimate emails from the day were also included. I'm dating a dumbass. FML
Today, I went to school in my brand new shirt. It was loose fitting and a bit thin, so I wore a sweatshirt on top, intending to take it in once inside. When I got to my seat, I took off my sweatshirt, but also took off my shirt with it, flashing my whole class. FML
Today, I got an electric razor and a lesson from my dad on how to shave my mustache and chin. I also got my period. FML
Today, everyone at work was demanding I stage a party at my house. I agreed to it and rushed home to tidy up before the guests arrived. No one showed up. FML
Today, it was my birthday. The only person that remembered was my creepy stalker. FML
Today, a cop almost rear-ended my car, slammed on the gas with no warning, swerved around me, flipped me the bird, then cut me off and then drove a full ten miles under the speed limit. When I changed lanes to overtake him, he pulled me over for road rage. FML
Today, I took my driver's test. I was so nervous that I peed my pants halfway through the exam. FML
Today, a middle-aged woman came into the shoe shop where I work, and asked me to help her put on a pair of boots that were obviously too small. Simultaneously as I knelt down by her feet, she booted me in the face while we tried to get them on. FML
Today, my boyfriend compared my orgasm to that of a beached sea turtle. He demonstrated what he meant in front of all our friends. FML
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