Riya2595

Today, my boyfriend proposed. I fainted due to the excitement. He took it as a "no" and won't pick up my calls. FML

Today, I went with my friend door-to-door selling chocolates. We went to the first house, and the guy decided to buy a chocolate from each of us. He didn't have change and neither did we, so he just took the chocolates and slammed the door in our face. FML

Headshot

Today, I was working on my computer when my dad walks in, pointing his finger at me like a gun. Before I could even ask, it turns out he was aiming a rubber band at me. The doctor says I'll be able to take off my eyepatch in a couple of days. FML

Today, while sleeping, my foot was stabbed by something in my bed and I woke up to it bleeding. I looked around for the cause and found nothing. Now I'm afraid to go to sleep because it might happen again. FML

Today, I dropped my 7-year-old son off at school. He decided to have fun and step out of my car screaming "Stranger danger" while running away and pointing at me. I then had to get out of my car to shut the door he'd left wide open. This caused 20 other kids to scream "Stranger danger" as well. FML

Today, my brother and I proposed to our girlfriends at the same time. We had perfect synchronization after practicing for days. My brother's girlfriend said yes; mine said no. FML

Today, I was walking down the street, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. It wasn't all that embarrassing, until I walked two more feet and slipped again. The second time, a man pulled over and loudly asked if I was drunk. FML

It's too dark in here

Today, it was my first day working as a nightclub bartender. All through the evening, a really creepy bloke stood in a dark corner and leered at the girls on the dance floor. When I took the bouncer to one side to let him know, he told me the man was a coat stand. FML

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

Today, I found out that, when mad at us, my son picks the tops off his shoulder-pimples and sprinkles them in our food. FML

On the hook

Today, I lost my keys. My roommate locked me out, then yelled at me when I made her come home to let me in. I tore my room apart searching for them, and even went out to search my locker room. When I got home, I glanced at my wall only to find my keys hanging on the hook I set up specifically for them. FML

Shame!

Today, my mother commented "Loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes. FML

Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister, and me. FML

Today, I had to sit and listen to my co-worker moan about how early he has to get up tomorrow to go on his ski holiday in France over Christmas. He also complained about how tiring skiing is. FML

Crispy

Today, I'm on a medication that really dehydrates my skin. I thought split lips were the worst side effects. Other split orifices make a trip to the toilet a literal pain in the arse. No sign of stopping in the near future. FML

Today, I found out while skiing that my dad likes to call me Pimple because I have a pink coat and white helmet. He has tried to squeeze me. FML

Where am I?

Today, I woke up with Skittles superglued to my forehead. FML

Today, after explaining to my two year old that we were going bra shopping, he decided to announce to the entire bank that we were going to buy Mommy some boobies. FML

Today, someone put dog turds underneath all the decorative reindeers' butts in my front yard. The chief suspect is my curmudgeonly, holidays-hating fuckball of a neighbor. Last week he repositioned them in very suggestive poses. FML

Today, I was wanking and started thinking about why the Simpsons are yellow, and how that came to be. I haven't been laid in 4 years and my ADHD is so crippling that I can't jack off. FML

Today, I texted a friend offering my condolences over the death of his grandfather. He hadn't been told his grandfather had died yet. FML

Professor Awkward

Today, a student came in late to class, and there were only a couple of seats available. I waved her over offering her the seat beside me with the quip, "It's OK, you can sit by me. I don't smell or anything." I realized after she sat down that she actually did. FML

Today, I realized that I've been intentionally causing arguments with my husband because the spare bed is more comfortable. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me love is like a drug. I started tearing up because this is the most romantic he has been in a while. He then went on to break up with me, telling me that my "prescription is up". FML

Today, I was at work handling the cash register. It wasn't working correctly, so I apologized to the woman I was waiting on for the delay and explained, "The cash register's being a little retarded today." Then I noticed her clearly "special" adult son standing behind her. FML

Today, I started undressing in front of my boyfriend. He politely said, "Excuse me, please" because I was blocking the T.V. FML

Today, I used so many different perfume testers that I passed out on the bus. FML

Today, my parents were coming to visit me at my brand new apartment. I made dinner and served them the cake my roomate had left for me in the fridge. Thirty minutes after they left, I was so baked that I couldn't think straight. I still don't know if my parents made it home. FML

Today, while waiting for my train, I was listening to a voicemail message on my phone. Out of nowhere, a stranger came up to me from behind and screamed "DELETE!" into my ear. His voice command deleted my message. FML

Today, our dog peed on nearly all the wrapped gifts under our Christmas tree. FML