Today, my philosophy teacher asked me about my parents. I replied that my mum was a cleaner and my dad was a bus driver. In an astonished voice, she said, "But, you're clever..." FML
Today, someone stole both rear view mirrors from my scooter. And where were the police? They were 500 m down the road, waiting to stop me for not having any mirrors. FML
Today, while kissing my girlfriend's neck, I sneezed a blob of snot onto her. She told me that "it doesn't matter", while hiccuping a bit of vomit. FML
Today, I attended a speed dating evening. After 7 minutes, the girl told me she wasn't interested. I asked her at what point of the conversation she had made up her mind, she answered: "When you said 'Hello'. Goodbye". FML
Today, I celebrated the new year. Alone. FML
Today, when I came home, my daughter's baby-sitter was busy smelling my thongs. FML
Today, I went out to lunch with two old friends from high school. While at the restaurant, we saw a girl who we graduated with. The girl gave both of them hugs, then introduced herself to me. FML
Today, my girlfriend left a message on my phone. It was just the sounds of her having sex with somebody. FML
Today, my boss got a promotion and I got laid off. FML
Today, I'm a medicine student, it's my sixth year, and I have spent the whole day in surgery. No one dared tell me that what I was wearing on my feet was actually supposed to be put over my hair. Which was embarrassing. FML
Today, the ugliest girl in school walked by me and said "ewwww". FML
Today, I received an email from my boss telling me how appreciated I was and how valuable I am to the company. I wish I hadn't scrolled down to read the included conversation where he asked his boss whether to lie to me about how good I was or not. FML
Today, I told my 10 year-old brother I was turning 23. He said, "You need to get a boyfriend." FML
Today, my girlfriend said she didn't want to have sex because it takes too long. FML
Today, I tripped over my own shoelace after explaining to my boyfriend that my shoes being untied were good luck for me. He then took that as the grand opportunity to tell me that we were breaking up. FML
Today, it's the sixth anniversary of the last time I had intercourse. FML
Today, I got in a huge fight with my mom, so I went to my room and locked myself in there and played loud music so I didn't have to hear her. She then started yelling at me on Facebook, so I logged out of Facebook. She then started yelling at me on Yahoo. Damn technology. FML
Today, I found out the girl I've been trying to date for six months is gay. FML
Today, I received a text message from my older brother. It said, "Ah... I want you". I hope to god it was intended for someone else. FML
Today, I walked in on my Mum and Dad having sex and didn't even realize what they were doing until she shouted at him to go harder. FML
Today, I received an email invitation to a dating web site. It was from my father-in-law. FML
Today, my fiance told me that he no longer loves me, that he still has feelings for an ex. The wedding is off and he needs the ring back to give to the right woman. FML
Today, I was running to the bus stop to catch the bus. The bus driver smiled, waved, and drove away without letting me get on. FML
Today, it was the first time I ever saw a vagina in person. It was during medical school training on how to do a pelvic exam. FML
Today, I called the campus police to give me a ride to the cafeteria since I am on crutches from knee surgery. I was only halfway into the car when the man started driving and ran over my foot. Now neither my right knee or my left foot work. FML
Today, my mom was telling me a funny story about when I was young. I said, "Yeah I was funny, huh?" She replied, "Yep, I had a funny one and a pretty one." FML
Today, I accidentally unplugged my headphones in the quiet section of the library, causing my music to play from my laptop at full volume. I was listening to Celine Dion. I'm the captain of the football team. FML
Today, my best friend told me she wanted to rape my throat. I did not know that was possible. FML
Today, I learned that nail polish remover is, in fact, VERY flammable. And I learnt it the hard way. FML
Today, in basketball practice my coach was putting is in teams to run drills. He points to me and says, "You, go babysit my son by the stage." FML
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