G0ldmund

Likely story

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he farted. He blamed it on a "nearby frog." FML

Alexa, play "The Sign" by Ace of Base

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for not noticing the signs sooner. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me with a woman twice my age. I'm 32. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided that vaginal, oral, and anal sex are starting to get boring. Let's just say that my armpit is now drenched in lube. I'm afraid of what he's going to want to try once he gets bored of this. FML

Today, I sat on Santa's lap. He got an erection. FML

Romance me please

Today, my girlfriend refered to her vagina as a meat wallet, and to my penis as small change. FML

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend took me to dinner and near the end, he pulled out a long, rectangular box. Thinking it was a necklace, I got very excited. It was a wand. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I gave each other early Christmas gifts. I gave him a basketball signed by his favorite player, which took me forever to find. He got me diet pills. FML

Today, I noticed that my girlfriend has a deeper voice than I do. FML

Today, my mother threatened me if I keep wearing yoga pants to school, she's going to have my dad pick me up in a speedo. FML

First Dates

Today, I was on a date. I noticed he kept looking at my lips. Thinking he wanted to kiss me, I leaned in closer. Disgusted, he pulled away and said, "I'm sorry, but that pimple on your chin is, like, staring at me or something." FML

Follow your dreams

Today, inspired by my own relationship, I encouraged my best friend to go after the guy she likes. She did, and I'm now single. FML

Today, the quality of my sex life reached a new low. I faked my orgasm. And so did he. FML

Forgetting something?

Today, I was trying on some new pants in the fitting room at a store. I was so overcome with joy when I noticed that I had dropped two pant sizes, that when I took them off and went outside to pay for them, I realized I forgot to put back on my original jeans. FML

Thorn in my side

Today, during swimming in PE, I kept noticing a stinging feeling on my scrotum. Every time I jumped into the water I would feel a sharp stab. After the full hour of hell, I went to the bathroom and looked in my new trunks. The designer had left a sewing needle in the crotch netting. FML

Today, my crush grabbed my butt while I was walking up the stairs. In surprise I farted. He won't even look me in the eyes now. FML

Today, after having a naked wrestle with my boyfriend, I discovered he'd left a skidmark on my stomach. FML

Today, my wife posted on Facebook, "FUCK THA POLICE!" She got 40 likes. I'm a police officer. FML

Double take

Today, after sex, my boyfriend turned to me and said, "You know, sometimes, you look like Kevin Spacey." FML

Today, I found out that when you are sitting on a full bench at a bus stop, some crazy person will come sit on you. FML

Today, I found out that my wife purposely eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to get out of kissing me. I'm deathly allergic to peanuts. FML

Today, while waiting outside a liquor store for my boyfriend, a drunk guy leaned over my shoulder, took a large bite out of my burger, and walked away. FML

Today, I went to the gas station, paid the clerk, and drove off without pumping any gas. FML

Today, my mom told me to clean the house up because she wants to make good impression on the cleaning lady. FML

Today, I found out that Google+ has been automatically uploading my cell phone pictures as I take them. My friends have now seen pictures of me, my penis, and other things too horrifying to talk about. FML

Today, I was invited over by my girlfriend's parents, but I couldn't bring myself to take part in their discussions. During a lull in conversation, I noticed everyone was staring at me. Covering myself while I tried to think of something to say, I grabbed an apple and took a bite. It was plastic. FML

Today, I was looking through some old family photos. I don't know what the hell was going on in my head, but I idly double-tapped on one to zoom in. They were prints. FML

Flow

Today, I was taking a dump in a public toilet, when a guy in the next stall started drunkenly rapping. He kept trying to get me to rap along with him, eventually bashing the wall and threatening to bust my face in if I didn't. I soon found out I can rap to Slob On My Knob pretty well. FML

Today, I went out on a first date. He insisted we go to McDonald's and split a Happy Meal because he "didn't want to waste any money on a first date." FML

Today, my boyfriend poked me on Facebook. I got excited because this is as close as he's come to touching me in weeks. FML