nelleco

Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML

Some taken

Today, my mom, sister, and I were talking about a friend's girlfriend. My sister's opinion of her was that she was cute but not hot. My mom agreed, saying that she didn't think that someone without boobs could EVER be hot. She then looked at me and said, "No offense." FML

Today, my daughter asked me what is the youngest age at which you should start having sex. Being a good mom, I said that she shouldn't have sex until after she's been married. My daughter then said, "Oh... shoot," and walked away. My daughter is twelve. FML

Today, I was at work lifeguarding and saw a kid drowning on the far end of the pool. I decided running would be the quickest way to get to her, but as I ran across the pool deck I slipped and hit my head. The kid's mother jumped in to save her child and then called an ambulance for me. FML

Today, it was boiling hot so my boyfriend and I decided to sunbathe in the garden and ended up falling asleep for a few hours. Not only is my back so burnt that I can't lie down, I also have a white hand print on my upper back where my boyfriend had left his arm while we slept. FML

Today, I took a bike ride to enjoy the weather and stopped for a break on the sidewalk of an overpass, taking in the view of the beautiful hills. I was approached by a cop, who said to me: "Ma'am, I know your life is crap right now, but I'm sure it'll get better. Please don't jump." FML

Today, I was in my new boyfriend's apartment for the first time. As I was flipping through his photo albums, I came across one full of disturbingly candid pictures of me. I found some as early as my trip to the state fair, three years ago. I met my boyfriend two months ago. FML

News to me

Today, I went to the doctor for a sports physical. I've had a giant, dark birthmark on my left ribcage that I've hated most of my life. Recently I've learned to embrace it and show it off by wearing bikinis. My doctor saw it and told me it's a fungus that's been spreading on my side all my life. FML

Today, I caught some perverts sitting in a car in front of my house, spying on my neighbors. When they refused to leave, I grabbed a baseball bat and they sped off in a hurry. Later, those same perverts came back to arrest my neighbors for drug trafficking. I had threatened cops. FML

Nosferatu

Today, at the restaurant I work at, I gave a man back his change and told him to enjoy the sunny day. He replied by dramatically saying that the sun was his mortal enemy. Thinking he was joking, I asked him if he was a vampire. Turns out he has skin cancer. FML

Brain worms

Today, while watching The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh with my 5 year-old, I realized why the kangaroo's name is Kanga, and why her son's name is Roo. Kanga-Roo. Get it? Yeah. I didn't until today. I'm 47. FML

Today, I was chatting with an amazing guy online. He was perfect for me. After five hours he told me he loved me and I said it back. So than we decided to trade nudes. I sent mine. Within two seconds my niece calls, laughing her ass off, telling me how weird my birthmark is. FML

Today, I woke up early, showered, dressed, and made the 40 minute drive to work, only to discover when I arrived that today was my day off. When I got home my live in boyfriend was gone. I called and he told me he was at the beach, right near my work. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is cheating on me, with the same guy I was cheating on him with. FML

Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML

Today, I was helping my friend with her little sister's birthday party. We were playing a game where you get up and switch seats if you've done a certain thing. One girl said to switch if you've kissed a boy. I watched as 18 12-year-olds switched seats with each other. I stayed sitting. I'm 17. FML

Whoops

Today, I was babysitting. The kids were thirsty, so I poured them both a cup of the green juice I'd found in a jug in their fridge. They downed it in a flash. It wasn't until later on after I'd poured myself a cup and taken a sip, I realized I had given them margarita mix. The kids are 4 and 2. FML

Today, I spent 3 hours looking at a YouTube video on how to do Rubik’s cube. Even after being told how to do it, I couldn't finish it. I scrolled down the comments and read, "Awesome! I'm 10 and can do it in 3 minutes now!" I'm 28 and still can't do it, even with a tutorial. FML

Today, I lost my cell phone. Since I sleep on the couch, I started looking through the cushions. I didn't find my phone, but after 6 months of uncomfortably sleeping on the couch, I find out I'm sleeping on top of a pull out bed. FML

Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I'm just doing what Ray does to you while you're in the bathroom." Ray is my new step dad. FML

Today, I sat on an elevator for 10 minutes thinking I was stuck. After waiting awhile I looked at the screen to see what floor I was stuck on, only to realize I hadn't pressed a button so I had just stayed on the ground floor. FML

Stuck in neutral

Today, I was driving home through the middle of nowhere when a screw punctured my car tire. I arrived at the town's only auto shop to find that it had closed early. Frantic, I dialed the emergency number listed on the shop's locked door. On the other side of the glass, a phone began to ring. FML

Thanks for the input

Today, my mom turned to me and said, "You know, you're the kind of person that has to change literally everything about themselves to get a guy to like you." I thought she was joking so I laughed. She then said, "Like that. Your laugh... What is that? Change that." FML

Today, I was looking at my friend's dad's Facebook pictures because he recently posted a status update. I saw him at a bar with some ugly hooker that he was feeling up in almost every picture. After about 10 minutes of ridiculing and laughing at this ugly woman, I realize it's my mom in a wig. FML

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend who dumped me after 2 1/2 years because I got fat. The last two years I've lost 68 lbs, am happier and couldn't wait to shove that in his face. So, of course the first time he sees me I'm alone, I'm pushing a shopping cart full of ice cream for a party later. FML

Today, my suburban, white boyfriend of two years told me he wanted to tell me something serious. He sat me down, looked me in the eye and said "I want to be gangster." I started laughing thinking he was joking. He was 100% serious. FML

Today, I have to choose between one eyebrow or none because I'm a heavy sleeper and my brother is a moron. FML

Today, I had my first date with this guy I really like, who came to pick me up. Once I got into his car, my uncle comes out of the house and yells "Remember, pregnant girls aren't allowed to drink." FML

Nice to meet you… again

Today, my mother invited me to a nice restaurant to meet her boyfriend whom she's been seriously dating for a month. Imagine my surprise when she led me to a table and my boyfriend's father stood up, shocked, to greet me. Rather than being horrified, she is now planning double dates every week. FML

Today, I was at the mall with my friend when I saw my boyfriend in Victoria's Secret - with another girl. They were joking and laughing, and I was really pissed off. So I stormed into the store and slapped him. He looked up at me with an angry and confused expression. It wasn't my boyfriend. FML