Monsieur Annapolis, USA
Today, I was trying to have sex with my boyfriend, David. I moaned his name and he whispered, "I'm not David." Then, with an Italian accent, he said, "It's-a-me! Mario!" FML
Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she suddenly stopped and yelled "STOP!". I stopped, scared I'd hurt her. She then yelled "HAMMER TIME!" and started to dance. We never finished. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me so she could "let her life flow in the direction she wants." Apparently that includes smoking, stealing, and making out with other girls at parties. The best part? She wants to get back together "after she matures and gets it out of her system." FML
Today, I surprised my boyfriend by buying him an expensive watch for his birthday. He responded with "Aww, you could've just given me head, babe." FML
Today, my girlfriend changed her relationship status on Facebook to 'It's Complicated' because I didn't give her my last cookie. This happens all the time. FML
Today, I realized that it has been so long since my wife and I were intimate that I got slightly turned on watching her suck the meat off chicken wings. I'm jealous of fried, sauce-soaked poultry. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I had an appointment for laser hair removal. He responded by making "pew pew" noises and pretending to shoot my underarms. He's 28. FML
Today, I was driving my eight year-old son to school when a guy cut me off, prompting me to yell "Douche bag!" as a reflex out of the window. Realizing my mistake, I turned to my son and told him to never, ever talk like that. His response was, "Too late, douche bag." FML
Today, my mom took a bright red sharpie and drew a red circle just above my breasts. She said, "If I can see this, ever, your shirt is either too low cut or too see through and it will be thrown away." FML
Today, my 5 year-old twin boys decided to teach each other how to fly off the shed out back. They are still in their pajamas. Batman's arm is broken and Spiderman has a slight concussion. FML
Today, marks the fourth straight night that my girlfriend has screamed and cried in fear, scratching and kicking me in her sleep. The reason? I took her to see Paranormal Activity 3. FML
Today, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. She screamed at me and asked why I would be masturbating when I had her to have sex with. So I asked if she wanted to have sex, she said no. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided that vaginal, oral, and anal sex are starting to get boring. Let's just say that my armpit is now drenched in lube. I'm afraid of what he's going to want to try once he gets bored of this. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because we watched a movie that Taylor Lautner was in, she claims they made special eye contact and they are destined to be together. FML
Today, I found that when a hot girl asks you whether you have a girlfriend, saying, "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" is not the best way to proceed. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML
Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That's how horny and single I am. FML
Today, I was humming the Star Wars theme song while on the bus. When my stop came I walked down the aisle only to hear a girl mutter, "The virginity is strong in this one." She's right. FML
Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML
Today, it was my wedding day. With my best friend as the priest, she asked, "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" After saying I do, she then turned to him and asked, "Do you want to bang my friend?" Everyone laughed, except my already disapproving father. FML
Today, my husband informed me that he has been purposely finishing before me in bed as a form of punishment for beating him at Mario Kart. FML
Today, I found out that my colleagues had replaced my email auto-responder with a message saying, "I'm away for two weeks in Brazil. Due to the surgery, when I return, please address me by my new name: Crystal." FML
Today, I told my son to go clean his mess of a room. He yelled, "Dobby has no master! Dobby is a free elf!" and walked off. He turned 18 a week ago. FML
Today, my fiancé told me that he was having second thoughts on our engagement. Instead of just calling it off, he took me to a fancy restaurant and took a public poll on whether we should get married. The majority said no. FML
Today, my boyfriend used various infomercial phrases like, "Wait, there's more!" during sex. FML
Today, I saw a bug on a stranger's arm and as a knee-jerk reaction smacked it. It took me a second before I realized it was actually a loose scab. FML
Today, in the middle of sex, my boyfriend sighed, said, "I can't do this any more" and pulled out. After repeatedly asking him what was wrong, he basically told me that I suck in bed. Apparently, the way I "just lie there" makes him feel like a necrophile. FML
Today, my parents gave me a sock and card for my eighteenth birthday. The card said, "Now that Dobby is free, get out." FML
Today, my friends and I held an intervention for my fiancé. He's been talking and behaving like an "old-timey cowboy" non-stop for the last three months. Our wedding is in a month and he refuses to marry me if I can't accept his "life choices." FML
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