Drachi

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he finds his car more attractive than me. FML

Today, my loving boyfriend told me that he wanted to go to the cinema with the girl he loves. The other girl he loves, but don't worry it's "not" a date. FML

Today, while I was on a date, I noticed my ex-boyfriend in the restaurant, and he looked sad. So I walked over to see him and jokingly said, "You look like your mom died or something!" She had. FML

Today, I came home to my wife crying. She had mixed up our newborn twin girls and couldn't tell which was which. I looked at the girls. Neither could I. FML

Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML

Today, I had to listen to my mother flirting on the phone with my dad's new girlfriend's ex-husband. FML

Surprise surprise

Today, there were a few loud and annoying kids running around my store. My coworker and I started talking. I jokingly stated, "Yeah, kids ruin everything." But before I could get out, "God knows I'm not ready to be a dad," my phone rang. It was my one night stand. I'm going to be a daddy. FML

Today, I went on a first date to the movies. During the flick, I choked on a piece of popcorn. I took a gulp of soda and that got stuck as well. I finally got my breath back and let out the loudest burp I ever have. He looked at me and said, "Does this mean I can fart now?" FML

Today, the girl who I was in love with for almost seven years listed me on facebook as her "Brother." FML

Today, my four-year-old asked me when I was going to die. I replied "Not for a long time, why?" He looked at me and stated "Because I only want to live with Daddy." FML

Bless

Today, I married the woman I love. I wasn't the groom, I was the minister. FML

Today, I picked up my four year old son from daycare. As I was putting him in his car seat, I asked him if he had fun. He yelled, "Shut it, bitch!" FML

Let it all out

Today, my four year-old daughter pulled her pants down in the middle of Best Buy. Apparently, you can smell the farts better when they don't have to pass through clothing. FML

Today, I received a friend request on Facebook. I didn't know her, but she was cute, so I accepted the request. After looking at her pictures, I sent her a message saying "What's up cutie, do I know you?". She responded "Yes, I'm your cousin". FML

Traditional

Today, I asked my girlfriend's father if I could marry his daughter. He smiled, shook my hand, and said "No. Now get out of my house." FML

Today, I was watching a movie. The ending was sad and I started bawling my eyes out. My boyfriend sitting beside me kept looking back and forth between me and the TV, so I asked what he was doing. He replied with, 'I don't know which one is better to watch.' FML

Today, I bought a personalized cookie cake with "Will you go out with me?" for the girl I've liked for five months. When I showed her, she said no, but took the cake with her anyway. FML

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the guy I liked how I felt by making him a mix CD. Confident, I gave it to him. After class, I went to the trash can to throw some paper away. I saw my mix CD in the trash. FML

Today, my crush walked me home. As my mom opens the door, she tells me in Russian how ugly he is, and that I have extremely bad taste. Out of all the languages in the world, he happens to be fluent in Russian. FML

Today, as I put my 4 year-old daughter in the car seat, she dropped her crayon. She then paused and matter-of-factly said, "Mommy, I don't say 'f***' anymore when I drop things." FML

Today, my 4 year old son told his preschool teacher that his daddy could pick up 10,000 cows but couldn't pick up his mommy because she was too heavy. I'm the mommy. FML

Today, my sister and I were both on Facebook, updating our statuses. I set mine to "just got released from hospital with Baby Lily", as I'd had a baby earlier this week. My sister set hers to "menstrual blood smells like shrimp". Her status got 37 likes. Mine got none. FML

911 is a joke

Today, I came home from work. I was really tired and told my son that I would make him dinner later. He called the cops saying, "Mommy won't feed me." FML

Today, I discovered that my son has an allergy to cats. My partner of two years, not wanting to fight, suggested a compromise: that my son and the cat take turns sleeping outside. FML

Unfinished Somniloquy

Today, I was in lying in bed with my boyfriend while he was asleep. He is going to school to be a doctor, and it appears that he says anatomical terms while asleep. My boyfriend can make me feel stupid in his sleep. FML

Today, my daughter came up to me crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she had a fight with her imaginary boyfriend. She's 16. I raised this child. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that if he was to break up with me, he would do it in a crowded location so I couldn't start to cry or make a scene. FML

Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML

Today, trying to be cute, I told my soon-to-be husband he was the ying to my yang. He responded with, "Baby, you're the Monica Lewinsky to my Bill Clinton." FML

Today, my boyfriend and I had a picnic on the beach. It was so romantic and perfect. He leant forward to kiss me. Once we had kissed he said, "We haven't even started eating yet", and passed me a mint. FML