Mademoiselle 38 ans En couple
Today, out of spite, I wrote "Ms. Piggy" instead of my professor's actual name in the heading of my essay. Guess what I forgot to do before turning it in. FML
Today, I went to the university pool. There was this cute lifeguard there, and every time I got out of the water I saw her looking at me, so I walked up to her and asked if everything was OK. She told me she thought I was going to drown. FML
Today, my husband brought home a machete. In the process of showing me a trick he learned, he managed to slice a nice big hole in our brand new very expensive sectional. FML
Today, when I called my 2-year-old son over for a hug, he giggled and squealed as he ran over to me. He then stopped in front of me, punched me in the bollocks, and walked away quite happily whilst I was doubled over in pain. FML
Today, while playing golf, I hit my ball near some tall grass along the edge of the water. Unbeknownst to me, there was an alligator hiding in the grass. He growled at me during my shot, causing me to put the ball directly into the pond. Alligator: 1 Me: 0. FML
Today, I had to explain to my 7-year-old son that it's not okay to smell others' "wieners". FML
Today, I had just finished making myself an ice cream cone when my cat puked all over the floor. I set my cone on the counter while I cleaned up, and when I finished, my cat was licking it. FML
Today, my 80lb black lab decided that the moment I start doing pushups is her cue to mount me. FML
Today, my husband bought a luxury soap that smells like lemons. Now, every time I wash my private parts in the shower, it smells like a special at Red Lobster. FML
Today, my buddy congratulated me on getting a girl's phone number written on my arm. I was too embarrassed to tell him it was the number I needed to find my furniture at IKEA. FML
Today, when I woke up I saw that my bald head is covered with my wife's period blood. Again. She does it regularly once a month, despite asking her not to. She thinks this blood activates hair growth. She is serious. FML
Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML
Today, I was watching my dog via security camera live feed, when my roommate came in completely naked to make breakfast for himself. FML
Today, I showed my girlfriend some old home videos of me as a kid. My dad must have taped over one though, because halfway through it cut to extremely graphic footage of his colonoscopy. FML
Today, and for the past week, my boyfriend joined me on my walks. He's recently gotten into photography and is now intent on tracking down a rare bird that he never sees but always hears. I don't have the heart to tell him that it's the sound of my thighs rubbing together. FML
Today, I bought a delicious $17 lobster sandwich at a restaurant on the beach. The seagull who zoomed in and ripped it out of my hands as I was about to take the first bite seemed to enjoy it very much. FML
Today, while showing off the sharpness of my new katana, I missed my target and hit my shoe. The strike cut into the second toe of my right foot, which then had to be amputated. Demonstration successful. FML
Today, I crashed into a pole on purpose as a cop pulled me over for speeding. I figured the officer would feel bad for me and that the cost of fixing my car would be less than a ticket. He gave me one anyway. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML
Today, I finally got the hearing aids that I've needed for years. My dog quickly learned that if he quietly sneaks up behind me and barks, it'll scare the hell out of me. It's now his favorite game. FML
Today, while sharing my screen with our tech guy at work, I forgot he was there and opened Facetime to pick a zit on my chin. After going in for the squeeze, I horrifyingly remembered he could see everything and quickly closed it. After a few seconds, he said, "Did you get it?" FML
Today, while reviewing boxes of motorcycle parts, I noticed my neighbor's daughter gleefully watching me. I jokingly said, "Wanna do this?" and she let out a loud squee and got to work alone. A few hours later, the bike was ready for a test run. I had no idea how to even start building it. She's 14. FML
Today, during a family gathering, my mom, grandmother, and aunts started talking about an erotic novel they're all reading on Amazon. My cousin asked for the writer's name and I heard my pseudonym in response. My entire family is reading my horribly-written porn. FML
Today, I suddenly awoke on the couch in the dark early-morning hours to the pungent odor of something burning. I ran all throughout the house looking for a fire but there was no sign of it. Exhausted, I crashed back down on the couch and let one rip. It had been me. FML
Today, while I was walking to the kitchen, I heard someone on the TV moaning. As I made my way down the stairs, I saw my grandfather quickly change the channel and lean forward. I'm 90% sure I caught my grandpa watching porn. FML
Today, I had to sit beside this crazy man on the bus. After trying to ignore his ranting about being the Messiah, he suddenly stood up and cursed me as Satan, loudly screaming that he won't be tempted by my devilish ways. FML
Today, I was playing baseball. My full name is Nadeene, my nickname is Dee, but people have started calling me Nads. Someone yelled out "Go Nads" as I went up to bat. Guess what my new nickname is? FML
Today, my family and I were going to start moving into our old house, and the large two hundred year old tree decided to move in too... through the roof. FML
Today, I was meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time. She warned me they were a little weird. Right when we walked in the door, her parents were there to greet us...in the nude. Apparently this constitutes as a LITTLE weird. They both hugged me. FML
Today, I was walking out of work. I felt like everyone was staring at me but brushed it off. It wasn't until I got home that I realized I had toilet paper sticking out of my pants. FML
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