Monsieur Dumfries 40 ans Célibataire
Today, I gave my husband an ultimatum: either he could have sex with me or play Minecraft. Needless to say, he spent the rest of the evening playing Minecraft. FML
Today, after I successfully blew up a really large balloon, my mom said, in front of my older brother's friends, "Wow, you're going to make some man really happy one day!" FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that fist pumping during sex is not romantic. FML
Today, I was reading a crappy "How to spice up your marriage" book with my husband for laughs. One of the ideas was for the guy to whip his knob out, stand behind his girl and say "Can you say that into the microphone?" Now he does it every chance he gets, and I fall for it EVERY TIME. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were making out in a motel room. Just before we really got started I noticed that I forgot to close the drapes. Once I got up to close them I saw 3 maids and the manager run away. FML
Today, along with my virginity, my boyfriend took my laptop, iPhone, TV, and most of the food in my fridge. FML
Today, I found out the reason my boyfriend had been encouraging me to send him 'personal' videos was so he could sell them online to porn websites. FML
Today, my boyfriend sent me a video of him having sex with someone from one of his last relationships because he thought it would turn me on. FML
Today, I went from a party where both of my girlfriends decided to show, to a hospital bed with no girlfriends and a painful left testicle. FML
Today, I went camping with my girlfriend and best friend. They are now having blood-curdling sex in our tent. My friend is also my ride home. FML
Today, as I passed my fiancé the pancakes I had just made, he vocalised his happiness with a groan that was EXACTLY like the one he makes when we have sex. So on a sexiness rating, I'm a pancake. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were making out while she was laying on me. Her little brother walked in, saw us and yelled, "Mom they're swallowing each other!" FML
Today, I awoke to rose petals leading me to the front garden. Curious, I followed them, thinking my boyfriend planned something romantic. As I walked out the door, I was hit in the face with a paper plate full of whipped cream and sprinkles, and then locked outside. FML
Today, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I looked up and saw a spider on my cheek. Panicking, I slapped myself in the face as hard as I could to kill it. Turns out the spider was on the mirror. FML
Today, I ate a bowl of my girlfriend's homemade chili. She went a little heavy on the spices, but I ate it anyway. An hour later, I can now say that if it burns going in, it will explode coming out your rear. FML
Today, I ran into an old friend. I asked her how she was doing, then asked, "And your mum?" Just as the words escaped my lips, I remembered her mum died a few years ago. Trying to save face, I messed up again and blurted, "She still in the same graveyard?" FML
Today, while cooking with my girlfriend, I thought it would be funny to slap her with a raw porkchop. She thought it would be funny to throw the hot cooking grease on me. FML
Today, I was relaxing at home while my boyfriend played with his hamster. After a while of silence, my boyfriend came over and put his fingers next to my face. Trying to be cute, I stuck his fingers in my mouth and sucked on them. Turns out he was trying to show me how bad hamster pee smells. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughter came home from school. It's cold and she was very tired. I said, "Take off your socks and blow your nose." She took off her socks and blew her nose into them. FML
Today, I found out the hard way that everyone in my dorm knows I watch My Little Pony. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were both at home, sick. We decided to make the best of it and spent the day in bed together. Things got a little steamy, and we started making out. As I started kissing her neck, I got nauseous. Before I could pull away, I threw up all over her. FML
Today, my parents got a call from my English teacher. She told them that I have 14 days of detention because I've been cutting class. I've been there every day, but apparently she never noticed me. FML
Today, I'm hiding in my own house, because my crazy neighbor wants to "play." Yesterday when I agreed, she made me spend the whole day with her, then burst into tears when I had to leave. She's been waiting outside for over two hours. FML
Today, I dislocated my jaw while giving my boyfriend a blowjob. FML
Today, I woke up, showered, and began brushing my teeth. When I started to brush my tongue I gagged, like usual, and threw up a little. What's unusual? I threw up a cockroach. FML
Today, without telling me, my mom dropped me off at my grandmother's house, and drove off. Now I'm supposed to spend the next month with her. Guess she forgot my grandma died six weeks ago. FML
Today, my car broke down because someone stuck a dildo in the tail pipe. I'd parked in my driveway. FML
Today, I ordered food at McDonald's. I'm on crutches, and a guy offered to carry my tray to the table. He rushed out with my food. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to viciously rip off my thong. My ass crack is numb. FML
Today, my dad walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex. His only reaction was to mutter, "Put some back into it, son." before awkwardly sidling out. FML
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