Mademoiselle Durham, USA Célibataire
Today, my sister and I went to visit my grandma. She looked at my sister and said, "You are just so skinny! You need to eat more cookies!" She then turned to me and said, "You should lay off the cookies!" FML
Today, I tried shaving my bikini area for the first time. I ended up cutting myself several times. I now have impressive razor burn, and it's incredibly painful to even wear pants. FML
Today, I watched in horror from the doorway as my brother furiously scratched at his greasy hair and ate the large flakes of dead skin that came loose from his scalp. I think our real dad might be caged in a zoo somewhere. FML
Today, my son was at a birthday party. After eating a plate of cake, he loudly asked the birthday boy's mum if he could have sloppy seconds. I don't know where he heard that phrase, but the other kids' parents shot me very dirty looks. FML
Today, my little sister complained about a young boy in her class always pulling her hair. She asked when boys will stop doing it. My mom replied, "They won't, even when they're grown-ups," then looked over at my dad and shared a dirty smirk. FML
Today, I decided to put on some sexy lingerie and wait for my husband to come home to surprise him. He took one look at me and immediately accused me of cheating. He was convinced my explanation was a lie and that I'd rushed some guy out the back door when he came home. FML
Today, I decided to show up early for work and really try to get off my manager's shit-list. On my way to work, my manager called to bitch me out for already being 30 minutes late. Yeah, I forgot about Daylight Savings Time. FML
Today, I moved into my new apartment. As I sat in my living room watching Netflix, I found out that my window has an excellent view of my new neighbors, who just so happen to like to shag with the blinds open. I guess I'll be buying some curtains. FML
Today, after weeks of oral pain and hundreds of dollars in dentistry fees, we found the culprit: a popcorn kernel that floss was unable to remove. FML
Today, I found out my husband has been sleeping with one of the women in our marriage counselling group. FML
Today, I spent 5 hours organizing my porn collection on my computer. What the hell am I doing with my life? FML
Today, I ate a wonderful meal, after which I fell asleep on my couch and had a dream that my husband was passionately kissing me. I woke up to realize it was actually my cat licking bits of food out of my teeth. FML
Today, at Walmart, I overheard a lady telling a teenage girl that the secret to keeping a guy for life is giving him anal, but that it's important to clean your "shitter" beforehand. I can't believe these kinds of sick freaks actually exist. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I thought everything went well, until I got a text from him later saying, "Come on mom, she isn't THAT bad." FML
Today, while working at McDonald's, a guy asked me to deep fry his salad. FML
Today, at 2:00 am, my neighbor discovered "What Does The Fox Say?" He loves it. FML
Today, my best friend confessed to having feelings for me. I've been in love with her for a long time, so I was ecstatic. She doesn't see herself ever going out with me, though, because she's a couple of inches taller and can't imagine herself "towering" over her man. FML
Today, I got a call from the ICU. Apparently, my boyfriend has been there for 3 days and I'm the only person who didn't know. Even my parents have been to see him. FML
Today, I had to take a dump at work. I walked into the bathroom and opened a stall, only to find what I can only describe as a fecal crime scene. It was like a turd had exploded mid-air. It was so vile, my anxiety kicked in and I broke down into a sobbing panic attack. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents. My dad thought it'd be hilarious to act surprised and ask me if I'd already dumped the girlfriend I introduced him to yesterday. She slapped me and stormed out of the house before my dad could tell her it was a joke. FML
Today, I had to bail my drunk dad out of jail after he beat the shit out of a mime artist. All he had to say on the matter was "Fucking bastard was playing mind games." and that he'd beat him up again if he could. FML
Today, as I was closing up at my sandwich-making job when a huge bus full of basic, snobby, preppy cheerleaders came in. They literally "can't even" decide what they want. FML
Today, I was playing charades with my boyfriend and family. The answer was "Beckoning" so I acted it out with a "come here" gesture. He looked confused for a second, then blurted out "Fingering?" FML
Today, it's been a week since I was dumped. I planned to stay at my apartment, cry, and eat chocolate in peace. My roommate decided to have loud sex with her boyfriend in the apartment. She refused to quiet down, saying, "My body, my rules." FML
Today, I mentioned to my mum that one of my friends is pregnant. She decided I was lying, that I'm the one who's actually pregnant, and that I'm going to get checked out by a doctor. FML
Today, a girl asked me to check out her left breast, which she said she'd found a strange lump on. I'm an orthodontist. FML
Today, I thought I'd finally make a step towards getting over my ex-fiancé by flirting with a cute waiter. I left him a note on the bill. He comes back, says "which one of you is [name]?" and leans down close to me to say, "Thanks for your note, but your card was declined." FML
Today, the boss returned from vacation. While he was gone we thought it would be a great idea to fill the water cooler with margaritas. Even after rinsing it, we still have lime flavored water. Needless to say we got a company memo about appropriate office behavior. FML
Today, I called the company with whom I had a job interview last week, which I thought went great, but hadn't heard back from. One of the interviewers claimed that I tried to grope her. FML
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I found out he was seeing someone behind my back: my ex-boyfriend. FML
Vous voulez la partager avec les autres utilisateurs de VDM ?
Votre VDM a bien été soumise, elle devrait apparaître en modération bientôt !
Vous pouvez publier votre VDM sur Reddit, elle sera automatiquement publiée sur la communauté.
Poster ma VDM sur Reddit
