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Today, I made it my life goal to own a towel heater. FML

Today, while at my job at a Christian summer camp, I overheard one of the kids swearing. I politely said, "Please, only speak as Jesus would." He paused for a moment and replied, "Go to hell." FML

I got skills

Today, I discovered I can properly operate the television remote with my feet. I then realized that it is pretty much my only talent. FML

Today, I was robbed while recovering from a robbery. FML

Today, I have my very first gynecologist appointment. I'm 15. My mom wants to "be on the safe side" and make sure I'm not sexually active. This is my punishment for being a virgin. FML

Today, the vibrator I ordered online was delivered. I'd paid extra to make sure it would be here before the weekend, so I could sneak it into my room while everyone was gone. My dad decided to stay home all day and answer the door ahead of me. FML

Today, I was willing to sit behind a truck doing 10km/h just to hear an interview with Robbie Williams on the radio. FML

Today, I told my girlfriend of two years that I love her. She replied, "Um, I don't mean to be rude, but can you just shut up?" FML

Today, I found one of my roommate's giant yellow toenail clippings on the counter next to the kitchen sink. When I confronted him about it, he told me the cat must have carried it out of his bedroom and put it there. FML

Broke

Today, I spotted a $100 bill on the ground. Being a little strapped for cash, I excitedly picked it up. I discovered it was one of those religious tract papers made to look like a folded bill, with a message scolding me for being greedy. FML

Today, while walking to work, I swore I saw one of my old friends from college standing in the park across the street. I started shouting her name and waving my hands like a maniac to get her attention. It was a statue. FML

Today, my husband and I were pulled over by a cop. He was still angry from our earlier argument over his constant freeloading, and when the cop told him we'd been doing 75 in a 55, he retorted, "Yeah? I did 75 in your mom last night, fuzzball." One more ticket I have to pay for. FML

Today, I am on vacation in the Smoky Mountains with my parents. They just decided to take me to the place I was conceived seventeen years ago: a bench at a public park. FML

Surprise!

Today, I found out where my surprise honeymoon is: it involves swimming with dolphins. I have a huge fear of dolphins, whales, and sharks. FML

Today, I realized that the only times I get to hang out with my friends outside of school are when one of them accidentally mentions plans in front of me and they are obligated by social protocol to invite me. FML

Today, my fiancée's OCD hit a new low when she screamed at me for flicking the light-switch off "the wrong way". This led to her flicking it on and off about a dozen times, followed by a twenty-minute lecture on how to do it "properly". We're getting married next month. FML

Today, at work I was trying to be nice and give a customer a discount because she was having trouble finding money to pay for her food. Everybody behind her then demanded a discount as well. FML

Classic

Today, someone posted photos from a party I was at. On each photo I'm posing in with a girl, my hand is not touching her, but is hovering over her like some creepy weirdo loser. My Facebook nickname is now of course "Hover Hand." FML

It wasn't me

Today, I was riding the train and someone farted. Everyone looked at me. People always blame farts on the fat guy. FML

Today, I baked some regular brownies for my friend. Just to mess with him, after he ate some, I said they had weed in them. He trashed my room in anger, and still won't believe me when I tell him that I didn't actually slip him any drugs. FML

Today, it's been two days since my upstairs neighbour's toilet started flooding both our apartments. I have to go to the bathroom with an umbrella. FML

Creepypasta

Today, while I was working at Starbucks, a man came in and placed his order. I made his drink, topped it with whipped cream, and put the lid on. Some cream was seeping out of the top. He looked at me and said, "Good… you left a nipple." and slowly licked it off. FML

Today, I was hit by a car in a parking lot. The person sped off; I broke three ribs. My parents screamed at me for not getting the driver's info. FML

Today, I left my son with my husband while I went to the store. Ten minutes later, my dog was missing a large patch of fur, and neither of them can stop laughing. FML

Today, I got more pleasure from scratching a bug bite than I've gotten from my boyfriend in 2 whole years. FML

Today, my mom stole the condoms out of my room and gave them to my little brother because I "won't be needing them anytime soon". FML

Happy America Day Mofos!

Today, I was out on a leisurely jog. Out of nowhere, a car slowed down in the street, and a passenger screamed "HAPPY 4TH OF JULY, MOTHERFUCKER," before tossing a lit Roman Candle at my feet. FML

Today, I was convinced by my friends to watch an episode of the American TV show "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo". They said it was bad, but I didn't anticipate having a full-blown panic attack ten minutes into it. FML

Keep cool

Today, I received a phone call that started with, "Now stay calm… Your house is on fire." FML

Today, I got my period two days early, while being interviewed for my dream job. Let's just say that I don't have very high hopes after walking backwards to the exit door and falling down upon colliding with the wall. FML