youdontknowwho

Today, I almost missed the bus. I grabbed my backpack and ran out the door. It wasn't until after we got to school that I realized I was still in my slippers. FML

Today, I met my soon-to-be step mother. My dad was right, we had a lot in common. Including our birth year. FML

Today, I watched my boss try to stick a magnet to cardboard. FML

Today, I saw myself on the news. I was one of the random passers by they had filmed for their story on the "Fat Epidemic." FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is extremely jealous of a stuffed toy that sits on my bed, all because it gets to 'sleep in the same bed as me and he doesn't.' Now, whenever he comes over, he throws it at the wall, death glares at it, then gets up and kicks it under my bed. FML

Today, my school's yearbook awarded "Cutest Couple" to my boyfriend and me. We broke up yesterday. FML

Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML

Today, as I was going to bed, I spotted a man staring at my window from a neighbor's yard. Ten minutes later, he was still there. I freaked out, started crying, and contemplated calling the cops. My creeper turned out to be the neighbor's wooden lawn ornament. FML

Today, a sweet old lady gave up her seat for me in the bus. She lectured the entire bus that seats should be given to those in need, like myself who is "heavily pregnant." I'm just fat. FML

Today, I surprised my four year-old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it "Horny". FML

Today, while in line at a gas station, I felt something on my shoulder. I turned around only to see a woman behind me pulling the sunburnt skin off my shoulder. When I told her to stop, she yelled, hit me with her purse and ran off crying. FML

Spotted

Today, I went to Walmart to get some acne cream. As I approached the register, I looked in my wallet for the money. The cashier saw that I didn't have enough money, and before I could say anything, he goes, "Just take it, I've never seen anyone who needs it this much." FML

Today, I had a cop pull me over because he claimed that he saw me taking a bunch of colorful pills at the previous stop sign. I was eating skittles. FML

Today, after waiting 3 months, I finally got my wedding dress back from the dry-cleaners. The dry cleaning lasted longer than the marriage. FML

Today, at my boyfriend's house, I met his mother for the first time. And promptly fell in their pond. FML

Today, while playing with bubble wrap, I dislocated my thumb. FML

Today, my six year-old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside." FML

Today, I decided to get back into shape. I went for a jog around my neighborhood. The ice cream truck followed me for my whole jog, mocking me. FML

Today, I received a rejection letter from a college that I'd applied to 6 years ago. FML

Today, I was so lonely, I tried to hold hands with plastic "horror hand" I bought for Halloween. FML

Today, my father was telling me that one of the benefits about his job was that the family could get discounts, then asked if I'd like some. My dad's a plastic surgeon. FML

Today, I used a public restroom with very shiny floors. So shiny, in fact, that I could see a clear reflection of the person in the next stall. I'm pretty sure they could see me too. FML

Today, my friends learned that if you play "connect the dots" with the pimples on my back the resulting picture is a large penis. FML

Tact and charm

Today, the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with posted pics of them kissing on Facebook, and tagged me in them. FML

Today, I decided to make homemade french fries. I figured all I needed was potatoes and salt, right? Wrong! I also needed the fire department and an ambulance. FML

Today, my dad came to confiscate my phone. I stuck it in between my boobs so he wouldn't be able to see it. He said, "Honey, your breasts aren't big enough to hide that." FML

Today, I lent my sister $1000 because she and her husband were in some debt. They used the money to go gambling in Vegas and won a major jackpot. They won't even give me a cut. FML

Today, I was cuddling with the guy I'm dating and said, "You smell good." His response, "You don't." FML

Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held his hands against the bed, and whispered, "Have you been a bad boy?" Thinking he'd say something kinky back, he replied "Yes Santa" then burst out laughing. FML

Training day

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to let my 19-month-old son watch me pee, since I'm trying to potty train him. I didn't consider that he might try to grab my penis. When he did, I was startled and peed all over the floor and my son. Good job dad. FML