Monsieur En couple
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The lights kept on going on and off. Why? The lights are activated by "clap on, clap off." It killed the mood. FML
Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML
Today, I realized that in my relationship with my significant other, the roles are switched. We went out for a nice dinner, I paid, and when we got home he "had a headache" and asked for an aspirin so he could go to sleep. FML
Today, I got trapped in an elevator with a chicken. FML
Today, at the point of orgasm, my boyfriend screamed out, "Is this all there is?!" then rolled over and stared blankly at the ceiling without speaking for ages. This happens a lot. FML
Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML
Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML
Today, I ordered a pizza. I paid and tipped the pizza guy, and instead of saying goodbye, I got tongue-tied and said, "I love you, boo." FML
Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML
Today, my wife and I decided to try role-playing. I started cleaning the pool. waiting for her to come out and be sexy, but she never did. I'd cleaned the entire pool before going into the house to ask why she never came out. She said she tricked me into cleaning the pool. FML
Today, I was watching a boys volleyball team warming up, and I had my eye on one of them who was quite attractive. He sent the ball a little too far and it hit me in the face. He apologized, and I then for some reason replied with, "It's fine, I like balls in my face." FML
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML
Today, I was going to have sex with my Hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was 'pollo frito'. I then had sex, constantly screaming 'pollo frito' for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML
Today, as I was washing the dishes, I felt what I thought was a mosquito on my leg. I kicked at it with my foot only to realize that I had just kicked my adopted puppy in the face. Now, whenever I come into a room, he runs to the corner and pees. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were exchanging some naughty pictures. I accidentally sent one to everybody on my contacts, including my ex, my boss, and even Pizza Hut. FML
Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. FML
Today, the guy I like called me, and my mom picked up. Just as it happened, I slipped and fell in the shower, and was sitting there moaning. The guy asked if he could speak to me, but my mom heard me and answered, "Well, she's masturbating right now, but I'll tell her to call you later!" FML
Today, I was really horny after some dirty texts from my boyfriend. Since everyone seemed to be sleeping, I closed my eyes and started to touch myself. I was really close to climaxing when I opened my eyes and made eye contact with my mother staring at me as I was masturbating. FML
Today, I fell asleep while masturbating. I'm so bad that I bore myself. FML
Today, while using the bathroom on an airplane, someone walked in on me wiping my butt. That person just so happened to be the stranger I was sitting next to. It was an 8 hour flight. FML
Today, I learned that when you put duct tape over your mouth because you are bored, it really hurts taking it off. FML
Today, my friend decided it was funny to burp in my face. The burp was actually vomit. We were in the food court at the mall. FML
Today, I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do stuff to me. After finishing on my face, he then left. My parents had to untie me. FML
Today, I was woken by my alarm. I got really tangled up in my blankets, and struggled frantically to untangle myself so I could turn off the alarm. I not only kneed myself in the face, but I accidentally punched myself in the nuts too. Hard. FML
Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML
Today, I came home and noticed that sometime while I was at school, someone had cut off half of my ponytail. FML
Today, I spent 2 hours doing my hair, doing my make-up, and picking out an outfit to meet some men. On chatroulette. FML
Today, I was so bored I googled the word "bored." The results were boring. FML
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